my feral girlfriend (said Spooky)

[greygirlbeast]

The insomnia continues. I got to sleep about 3 a.m. and woke about 7:30 a.m., and right now I'm just shy of delirious. I sat here at my desk watching the sun rise above the roof of the house next door, burning away the morning clouds. I do love morning, actually (though I'm not a "morning person"), but I'd prefer to see it after having slept first. After the Great Detox of February, I do strongly desire not to return to pills in order to get more than four or five hours sleep a night. Valerian has never worked well for me, and kava kava is too risky where the liver's concerned. And my insomnia laughs at mere chamomile and warm milk and hot baths and dren like that. So...I don't know. We shall see. Perhaps it's time to rearrange the bedroom furniture.

I have really got to devote a day or two to restoring my iPod, getting everything that was lost in the crash back. I'm listening to the same five or six songs over and over and over and over. It doesn't bother me as much as it probably should.

I received a weird e-mail from an acquaintance last night. She pointed me towards a LJ user who seems convinced what I've said about parahumanism indicates that I think I'm better than everyone else and wish to become a god. Um. No. I will defend myself with my own words. I wrote, on March 10th, "And it's never really been about becoming better, just different." The italics were there in the original entry. Indeed, one reason that I was no longer comfortable with the label "transhumanist" is its stress on becoming better than a mere biological entity. So, I will say again, because obviously not everyone's reading comprehension skills are quite up to snuff, I am speaking of morphological freedom and self-determination and the desire to be perceived as nonhuman. And while that no doubt sounds kind of bizarre to a lot of people, it clearly does not equate with a desire to become a god (or goddess). Especially given how frequently I've stated here and elsewhere that I see the goddess and god and divine androgyne aspects as metaphors, not actual autonomous beings. Surely, this is one of the oddest accusations ever leveled against me, but then I suppose I should have been expecting something of the sort, having openly resigned from Homo sapiens. So, yeah, people are perfectly free to think me a lunatic in this or any other regard, and even to say so publicly, but please, get it right.

Yesterday was all Limbo. Me sitting here all day, almost all day, frelling about online, unsure of the next move, wanting to write but lacking anything like direction. Perhaps today will be better. Perhaps today I can begin a new vignette. Maybe I'll start proofing the Alabaster galleys. Maybe I'll tidy up the filing cabinet. At least we got a good walk in yesterday, exploring the neighborhood west of L5P. We had a brief conversation with a beautiful little ginger tom. Even his nose was ginger. His eyes were a gorgeous sort of luminous orange. He was still in that gawky teenage phase, but past kittenhood. So, yes, a good walk.

Thai for dinner, and then we rented Gore Verbinski's The Weather Man, which must certainly be one of the most underrated films of 2005. Like Lord of War and Matchstick Men, this is one of Nicolas Cage's good films. And we got Michael Caine, in the bargain. I really think Cage's performance was deserving of a Best Oscar nomination, and I do recommend this film. And that was yesterday. And this is today. And all I can do is wait and see.

Comments

[lizziebelle.livejournal.com]

I read recently (I don't remember where- sorry) that Kava Kava is not bad for the liver, as long as it's made only with the root. Apparently there was one batch in one brand that also had other parts of the plant, and that was the one that the warnings about liver damage were about. Which is a huge relief for me, because it's the only over-the-counter supplement that helps with my anxiety.

[z0mb1e.livejournal.com]

What genre is Imogen Heap?

[stardustgirl.livejournal.com]

If you tossed /sold /whatever some of those cds, I emailed my list of artists in iTunes in case you're looking for some replacement files.

[mech-angel.livejournal.com]

I've made a mixture of teas recently that knock me out like nobody's business. It's mostly Jasmine Green tea, and Lavender, with a little Hibiscus. The Jasmine goes in first in the bag, and the rest separately in a tea ball because the flowers steep differently and taste like soggy grass clippings if you leave them in longer than about thirty seconds.

other possibilities

[mockingbirdgrrl.livejournal.com]

on the less synthetic level, i had a friend who swore by sublingual melatonin capsules as a sleep aid. those never worked for me. however, i'm currently a walking commerical for biochem's tension rx (recommended to me by the boise co-op). its a combination of B6, magnesium, hops and 4-amino-3-phenylbutyric acid. one in the morning (or any time during the day) acts as a mood stabilizer that's much less "false" feeling than, say, st. john's wort, and two before bed gives one that fluffy, rolly-polly, sleepy feeling. though you really do need that "eight hours to devote to sleep" when taken this way. the only warning i'd attach out of my own experience has been slightly more vivid dreams after a day-time dose, but that could be a side effect of what they tout as "improved mental clarity."
i've tried to find more info on these, but biochem's website is woefully uninformative. seems a lot of the kids on erowid like it as a mild sedative, too. (and they're vegetarian. the pills, not the kids.)

[sovay]

I am speaking of morphological freedom and self-determination and the desire to be perceived as nonhuman. And while that no doubt sounds kind of bizarre to a lot of people, it clearly does not equate with a desire to become a god (or goddess).

It indicates an interesting default about whoever made that assumption, however: that there's only up or down in their scale of the universe, there's no sideways.

I still lament the loss of my vestigial gills.

[haegtessa.livejournal.com]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parahumans

What do you think, should you edit it with your version of this term as well so we (those of us who comprehend your usage) can start using it? Or can you come up with another word?

p.s. My friends and I use "breed", short for "nightbreed" as we haven't yet come to discover another term that syncs.

[setsuled.livejournal.com]

I'm imagining someone attaining a non-human consciousness, and finding that art and fiction don't resonate with them anymore. Such an individual, I suppose, would have to begin creating their own artistic forms and traditions, assuming art would be relevant to that individual at all. I imagine it would be a singularly lonely experience, actually, to no longer find relevance in the subtlest aspects of art for being bereft of a society of like creatures to have had the experience of butting against.

Of course, I'm assuming here that reaching a non-human consciousness would necessarily negate the relevancy of human sensibilities. Though that does strike me as being the point. I don't know. Would you rather truly be a "species of one" or would you prefer that there were a vast array of existing sentient species, and that you could choose to become a member of whichever you wish?

wish to become a god.

Caitlín, if someone asks you if you're a god, you say, "yes!"

[tactileson.livejournal.com]

Cait said: "And I should add, so much of the time I feel so profoundly alienated from most everything that people take for granted."

Setsuled said: I think I envy you for that. There are plenty of really nasty aspects of humanity that I wish I couldn't see any seed of in myself.

I find myself agreeing with both these statements. I have, in the past, felt that wanting to change myself into the thing I wish I could be was in some way a selfish act of wishing that I didn't see certain human traits in myself that I see in others I dislike. I guess no-one wants to see in themselves the traits of a Hitler, or some crazy religious preacher, or a fat woman in a pink muumuu, flip flops and lycra shorts buying flabby armloads of McDonald's food. I sometimes see it less as realizing the limitations of humanity and more as giving up on what humanity could be.

To wish that humanity could be better than its current state is normal, but it seems to me that giving up on humanity entirely seems like a cop out, and that is no way meant as an offense to Caitlin, as I too feel alien on this planet. But, I battle with myself quite a lot as to whether or not it's because I am alien, or rather I'm just angry as hell that humanity has let me down. I feel like there could be so much more freedom for humanity to open up and grow, in ways of self-expression and personal freedom, that if everyone was on the right page and along for the ride then there would be no reason to want to be non-human, as this new humanity could emerge, a new evolutionary step, and things could reach a level we've never dreamed of.

Maybe I'm just too drunk or tired to be making any real sense. But there is a part of me that thinks like Bill Hicks, I would like to see the dross of humanity burned away, but there is a big part of me that hopes that when the smoke clears, I won't be alone, and there will be a long line of fellow humans saying "we get it now, let's move on the to next plateau."

[asru.livejournal.com]

So, I will say again, because obviously not everyone's reading comprehension skills are quite up to snuff, I am speaking of morphological freedom and self-determination and the desire to be perceived as nonhuman.

The person who perceived this as you wishing to become a god is assuming that when you wish to become non-human, the only further thing to become is a god (whatever they themselves believe a god to be). Surely there are plenty of options for classifying what you aim to become. I realise I'm preaching to the converted, but it seemed like this person had made such a big leap.

Your your feelings regarding the human race have some resonance with me - I too don't feel completely a part of our species. I don't think that it manifests itself as strongly as it does with you - I have never really had a desire to alter my physical appearance, for example - but I have a certain sense of alienation. I am not affected by human tragedy in the same way as I am affected by tragedies befalling other species, or by the damage that is being done to the environment. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, I can't resolve that in my head. But the fact is that for about ten years now I keep wandering back to the idea of leaving society altogether, and bemoaning the fact that it isn't possible. I don't share these ideas with people - perhaps that makes me a coward.

Your thoughts on these issues are much more cohesive than anything I have attained. I recently discovered the idea of humanism, and found that it made a lot of sense to me - but your ideas about trying to find something which takes this idea further, by existing as a part of nature rather than just humanity is very, very interesting, and - to me, at least - inspiring.