my feral girlfriend (said Spooky)

[greygirlbeast]

The insomnia continues. I got to sleep about 3 a.m. and woke about 7:30 a.m., and right now I'm just shy of delirious. I sat here at my desk watching the sun rise above the roof of the house next door, burning away the morning clouds. I do love morning, actually (though I'm not a "morning person"), but I'd prefer to see it after having slept first. After the Great Detox of February, I do strongly desire not to return to pills in order to get more than four or five hours sleep a night. Valerian has never worked well for me, and kava kava is too risky where the liver's concerned. And my insomnia laughs at mere chamomile and warm milk and hot baths and dren like that. So...I don't know. We shall see. Perhaps it's time to rearrange the bedroom furniture.

I have really got to devote a day or two to restoring my iPod, getting everything that was lost in the crash back. I'm listening to the same five or six songs over and over and over and over. It doesn't bother me as much as it probably should.

I received a weird e-mail from an acquaintance last night. She pointed me towards a LJ user who seems convinced what I've said about parahumanism indicates that I think I'm better than everyone else and wish to become a god. Um. No. I will defend myself with my own words. I wrote, on March 10th, "And it's never really been about becoming better, just different." The italics were there in the original entry. Indeed, one reason that I was no longer comfortable with the label "transhumanist" is its stress on becoming better than a mere biological entity. So, I will say again, because obviously not everyone's reading comprehension skills are quite up to snuff, I am speaking of morphological freedom and self-determination and the desire to be perceived as nonhuman. And while that no doubt sounds kind of bizarre to a lot of people, it clearly does not equate with a desire to become a god (or goddess). Especially given how frequently I've stated here and elsewhere that I see the goddess and god and divine androgyne aspects as metaphors, not actual autonomous beings. Surely, this is one of the oddest accusations ever leveled against me, but then I suppose I should have been expecting something of the sort, having openly resigned from Homo sapiens. So, yeah, people are perfectly free to think me a lunatic in this or any other regard, and even to say so publicly, but please, get it right.

Yesterday was all Limbo. Me sitting here all day, almost all day, frelling about online, unsure of the next move, wanting to write but lacking anything like direction. Perhaps today will be better. Perhaps today I can begin a new vignette. Maybe I'll start proofing the Alabaster galleys. Maybe I'll tidy up the filing cabinet. At least we got a good walk in yesterday, exploring the neighborhood west of L5P. We had a brief conversation with a beautiful little ginger tom. Even his nose was ginger. His eyes were a gorgeous sort of luminous orange. He was still in that gawky teenage phase, but past kittenhood. So, yes, a good walk.

Thai for dinner, and then we rented Gore Verbinski's The Weather Man, which must certainly be one of the most underrated films of 2005. Like Lord of War and Matchstick Men, this is one of Nicolas Cage's good films. And we got Michael Caine, in the bargain. I really think Cage's performance was deserving of a Best Oscar nomination, and I do recommend this film. And that was yesterday. And this is today. And all I can do is wait and see.

Comments

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

And now all this has me thinking about Arwen Evanstar, leaving her people, her race, her species, and trying to become mortal/human. I'm not exactly sure what the precise point of relevence here is, but it seems to be here somewhere.

[sovay]

The one who's always interested me is her father, Elrond: because he has, like all the descendants of Eärendil and Elwing, the choice between human and elven, and he chooses to be an elf.

Luthien chose humanity, for the sake of her love. Elrond's brother became, and his daughter Arwen will become, mortal. But in some ways, theirs is a more familiar story: we're used to immortals who choose mortality, because it's what we know, it's what we value, the transient beauty that's all the brighter because it dies; Elrond's an anomaly. I have no idea what his reasons were. (It's like the difference between Cassiel and Damiel in Wings of Desire: the one who chooses to descend into the flesh and the one who does not.) I don't know even know if Tolkien gave much thought to the subject. But I've always wondered.

. . . sorry, my geekery is showing.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

. . . sorry, my geekery is showing.

Yes, but you're so very good at it. ;)

Elrond's an anomaly. I have no idea what his reasons were. (It's like the difference between Cassiel and Damiel in Wings of Desire: the one who chooses to descend into the flesh and the one who does not.) I don't know even know if Tolkien gave much thought to the subject. But I've always wondered.

I honestly don't think I ever gave it much thought, either. Though, it seems significant, now that you bring it up.

[sovay]

Yes, but you're so very good at it. ;)

Aw, shucks. ; )

(You should hear fleurdelis28 on Tolkien. She has put enough thought into his work for a dissertation.)

Though, it seems significant, now that you bring it up.

Thanks. I'll try to think more about it when I'm actually awake . . .

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

when I'm actually awake . . .

I know what you mean.

[setsuled.livejournal.com]

And I should add, so much of the time I feel so profoundly alienated from most everything that people take for granted.

I think I envy you for that. There are plenty of really nasty aspects of humanity that I wish I couldn't see any seed of in myself.

I don't talk about how much it frightens me.

I imagine it would be frightening. Big change in life is always difficult--becoming a different species would probably be extremely frightening. Though I suppose that fearful reaction would be one of the human programmes to be cast aside. Though that's also probably frightening, as the inability to be duly alarmed by something strikes a rather primal note of fear.

Hmm. Typing that puts me in the mind of a lot of works of dark fiction, though no specific titles leap to my mind. Possibly because I haven't had coffee yet.

And now all this has me thinking about Arwen Evanstar, leaving her people, her race, her species, and trying to become mortal/human. I'm not exactly sure what the precise point of relevence here is, but it seems to be here somewhere.

That bit in the Two Towers movie where Elrond explains to her what her existence would be like certainly has some relevance to this issue. Having set it up, it actually felt sort of odd that it wasn't followed up upon in the next movie. Maybe they shouldn't have opened that can of worms, but it was certainly a beautiful scene.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I think I envy you for that. There are plenty of really nasty aspects of humanity that I wish I couldn't see any seed of in myself.

But. See. There are probably also very good (or at least goodish) aspects that you still see in yourself that I've not seen in myself in at least a couple of years now.

Though I suppose that fearful reaction would be one of the human programmes to be cast aside. Though that's also probably frightening, as the inability to be duly alarmed by something strikes a rather primal note of fear.

I think I have, in the past, described it as a dread of the fear of no longer fearing the unknown. But the way you said it, that works, too.

That bit in the Two Towers movie where Elrond explains to her what her existence would be like certainly has some relevance to this issue. Having set it up, it actually felt sort of odd that it wasn't followed up upon in the next movie. Maybe they shouldn't have opened that can of worms, but it was certainly a beautiful scene.

Agreed, it is a beautiful scene in the film, and agreed that it also feels like Jackson either forgot about it in Return of the King or just didn't know how to address it. It wasn't necessary to resolve it, but some more attention might have been needed.

[setsuled.livejournal.com]

There are probably also very good (or at least goodish) aspects that you still see in yourself that I've not seen in myself in at least a couple of years now.

Hmm. That's an interesting point. I'd say the aspects of being me that I like would include the abilities to see, hear, taste, touch . . . and, I suppose, being able to smell is nice, particularly when there's fresh coffee around. And also my ability to feel pleasure and my ability to think. I wouldn't classify any of those things as being uniquely human. But, then again, if you were to ask me what the nasty aspects of humanity of which I see seeds of in myself were--allowing destructive and sadistic passions to overrule my rational mind and consideration for my environment--I'm not sure I'd classify them as uniquely human either, but I suppose humans are the only species we've seen to take such things as far as they have.

But then we get to a point where we define human consciousness as merely being especially intelligent, as being capable of complex abstract thought. And I suppose the consciousness you're referring to switching to would be more about having different constructed pathways of reason and emotion in the brain, either of purely psychological or chemical influences, or both.

So, perhaps it's very lazy of me, but I'm not sure whether I mind if my personality is human so long as I can continue to think and feel and to enjoy myself while doing as little harm as possible. Do you see these qualities as being irreconcilable with the species you wish to become? Would you want them? Well, I suppose obviously one wants pleasure (unless you don't). As a new species, you may have an improved range of sensations, too. Or perhaps there's a different arrangement of feelers to provide simply a different sort of perception, though not necessarily unequal in intrinsic quality.

I guess this is just a roundabout way of asking you; which human characteristics do you feel disconnected from?

[aoniedesade.livejournal.com]

And now all this has me thinking about Arwen Evanstar, leaving her people, her race, her species, and trying to become mortal/human

I often think of the unicorn in The Last Unicorn. I first saw it when I was 5, and I've seen it too many times to count. The unicorn, an immortal being, was all of a sudden slammed into a human, mortal body. Albeit, it was to save her, but still. An immortal being in a mortal body. "I can feel this body dying around me." has always summed up how I've felt throughout the years. It's weaknesses, faults, inadequacies, lack of things, incapabilities. I suffered for a good many years.

It's only in the past two years that I've come to terms that this is the body I am in, I will make the best with what I have. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Thus the tattoos, the (now greatly reduced) piercings, the makeup. If I am stuck in it, the least I can do is make it beautiful as I can. Of course, my definition of beauty is greatly at odds with the standard, which I indeed bite my thumb at.