"Each feather, it fell from skin, 'til threadbare while she grew thin."

[greygirlbeast]

I've not left the house in eight days. Presently, it's sunny and 23˚F, though it feels like 10˚F with windchill. Things I only know because of the internet. The last few days, the sun and rain have made a small dent in the mountain of snow. The streets of Providence have begun their annual disintegration, as potholes open up all over. Not that it matters to someone who seems never to leave the house.

I'm feeling much, much better. This has been an odd cold, for Spooky and I both. I've dubbed it the "Long Island Express." Fast and hard. It was sort of like a week and a half of sick, all in three days. Still, I'd rather it be that way, than lower-grade misery for ten days.

I suppose yesterday was a half a day off. I didn't actively write, but I did work. Email, and looked over copy editor's marks on "Tidal Forces" (soon to appear in Johnathan Strahan's Eclipse Four). I lay in bed while Spooky read back over all of the seventh chapter of The Drowning Girl: A Memoir and made line edits. I see now that the seventh chapter is done, and I'll begin 8 today. And I see that this novel may only have nine chapters, so...the ending is nearing sooner than expected. Which feels very, very strange, considering I actually only was finally able to begin it in earnest in November (after, I think, three false starts over the preceding eight months).

---

Thanks for all the potential "if I were" questions posted yesterday as comments. There were some excellent ones, and all have been cut an pasted into a file I keep for such things. But, as it happens, I thought of a very good question last night, which I'll probably post tomorrow. I think it's just the right balance of disturbing and erotic.

---

The thing I was going to get into yesterday and didn't, another highly questionable Amazon.com "review" and the issue of Sarah Crowe's sexuality. I quote:

Over all, I liked the book. I did get a bit irritated with the author constantly telling the reader that Sarah is a lesbian.

Now, I should note up front that the reader did, indeed, like the book, and she gave it four out of five stars. And, originally, I wasn't going to carp about this. But it's been eating at me. I will try to be succinct, because it's actually a very simple problem. To begin with, "the author" wasn't "constantly telling the reader that Sarah is a lesbian." It was Sarah who did the talking. The interauthor whose journal makes up most of The Red Tree. There are plenty who would say that's an absurd distinction, but I disagree. However, that's not the meat of the problem here.

To put it as simply as possible, most gays and lesbians spend a lot more time thinking of themselves as gays and lesbians than most heterosexual men and women spend thinking about the fact of their heterosexuality. This is simply true, and it follows from the repression and discrimination and hatred visited upon queers. When you aren't "the norm," when, all your life, the validity of your desires and loves has been condemned and questioned and, at times, attempts have been made to beat it out of you, it changes how you see yourself. It's unfortunate, but it's true. Maybe someday a time will come when this isn't true, and no one will give a second thought to being a lesbian. But, for now, we live in a society that rarely misses an opportunity to remind us how we deviate from a heterocentric expectation. We spend a lot more time thinking of our sexual identity (which is not the same as thinking about sex) than do straight men and women, because it has become a label. A tag with which to distinguish us from everyone who isn't a lesbian. And if you're straight, and you still don't get this after hearing an explanation, I'm sorry, but you're just not trying. Sarah grew up in the Deep South, one of those parts of the country where it's very hard to be queer, and has, no doubt, spent much of her life taking crap, and yes, she'd quite frequently think of herself as a lesbian. Ergo, she'd write about it. The Red Tree is her book, her voice, her story.

I grow weary of the "I have nothing against lesbians, but why do I have to read about them?" crowd. It's hard not to see this as closeted or thinly-veiled homophobia. Hets are not entitled to live in ignorance of lesbianism, any more than lesbians are entitled to live in ignorance of heterosexuality. This is the world you made, now butch up and live with it.

---

The rest of yesterday. Dinner was the third day of quadrupedal chicken stew. Because I was too bored to stay in bed, and too sick to do much of anything else, there was a lot of WoW. We're finishing up the Twilight Highlands with Shah and Suraa, which means finishing up the meat of the Cataclysm expansion. The Twilight Highlands has been, by far, the best of the expansion. The scene where Alexstrasza attempts to destroy Deathwing was very nicely done. Most of the Twilight Highlands quest chains are good. While Uldum is pretty to look at, it shoots itself in the foot with all the "Harrison Jones" silliness. At least the Twilight Highlands quests mostly take themselves seriously.

Mostly. But...I would be lying if I tried to pretend that my love affair with WoW isn't coming to an end. Blizzard continues to dumb down the game (and it wasn't exactly a bright child to begin with). And they continue to inexplicably whittle away at warlock abilities (and, I assume, abilities for other classes). Yesterday's big patch took away the "drain mana" spell, which I rely on quite a bit in PvE. It's beginning to look like I'll be able to get a laptop this spring, exclusively for gaming, and I suspect that when I do I'll be dropping WoW for LoTRO and Rift (Spooky's doing the Rift Beta, and it's an amazing game). I need a lot less funny and far more coherent, consistent storylines. I need a world that isn't afraid to take itself seriously, and game designers who are a little more considerate of players. Blizzard, you've lost me.

And now...I make the doughtnuts. Comments!

Comments

[timesygn.livejournal.com]

"... most gays and lesbians ...spend a lot more time thinking of our sexual identity (which is not the same as thinking about sex) than do straight men and women ..."

Good observation.

Most bisexuals, on the other hand, don't think about sexual identity at all ... until we're forcibly reminded of ours by straights and ga/lesbians.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Most bisexuals, on the other hand, don't think about sexual identity at all

Truthfully, I honestly don't know much about people who self-identify as bi, though I can't deny having bi leanings.

[seismickitten.livejournal.com]

"To put it as simply as possible, most gays and lesbians spend a lot more time thinking of themselves as gays and lesbians than most heterosexual men and women spend thinking about the fact of their heterosexuality."

Yes. Yes yes yes. As I've often said, being a lesbian has led me to question and challenge so many mainstream assumptions about identity (identities, really) that would otherwise be invisible to me. I was forced, really, to confront a lot of things most straight folks never think about. And I'm glad for it, even if the perpetual examination of such things is rather wearying.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

And I'm glad for it, even if the perpetual examination of such things is rather wearying.

Indeed, which gets back to Sarah, as she nothing if not weary.

[easter-lane.livejournal.com]

I tend to think a lot about what I identify as sexually, because I think about sex a great deal. I don't know how I could seperate one from the other. If sex weren't always on my brain, then I'm not sure if my sexual identity would matter as much to me. I think straight people don't think they spend a lot of time thinking about what they identify as because it's so commonplace; you can't spit without seeing/watching/listening to an example of hetero couplings.

A hetero friend of mine once gave me the whole "Bi people are so greedy. You need to choose" speech. I told him I had picked a side; I choose pretty people. My hetero friends seem to think that I'm bragging or being brazen when I talk about girls, when I'm just relaying my experiences like they tell me about their dates.

[timesygn.livejournal.com]

I had picked a side; I choose pretty people.

Love it.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I think straight people don't think they spend a lot of time thinking about what they identify as because it's so commonplace; you can't spit without seeing/watching/listening to an example of hetero couplings.

Exactly.

I choose pretty people.

Nice, though I must admit, I've always had a thing for "ugly" men. This goes back, of course, to highly subjective ideas of beauty.

[lee-in-limbo.livejournal.com]

I grow weary of the "I have nothing against lesbians, but why do I have to read about them?" crowd.

Hear Hear! I honestly become completely baffled by this blinkered insistence that straights have the right to dictate what sexual orientation their protags are. It's like they're mortally terrified of getting those queer cooties stuck in their heads or something. It's a communicable disease, apparently. Who knew?

As for WoW, I am forbidden to speak its name in this household, but my resident ex-warlock would have a fit if she knew they'd taken away Drain Mana. You can't really function as a Warlock in WoW without it, because you can never get enough Int or Mp5 on your gear to maintain a useful mana pool without gimping your Stam. It never ceases to amaze me how Blizz continually justifies breaking their game to little bits and pieces every time they supposedly balance the game better for all classes.

Dawn also got into beta for Rift, but what little we saw of the game at the time didn't feel immersive enough for us. Also, she's genuinely put out by how big a footprint the game leaves on her system, when its original sales pitch made it clear that they were going to keep it light on the user end. *shrug* Perhaps I will be able to persuade her to have another look at it. We've both been getting beta invites every few weeks lately, but haven't yet found the time to have a look.

Ah well. There's still LoTRO.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

It's like they're mortally terrified of getting those queer cooties stuck in their heads or something. It's a communicable disease, apparently. Who knew?

Frankly, I believe a lot of it is loathing. Those heterosexuals so closed minded and conditioned that homosexual acts turn their stomachs.

You can't really function as a Warlock in WoW without it, because you can never get enough Int or Mp5 on your gear to maintain a useful mana pool without gimping your Stam. It never ceases to amaze me how Blizz continually justifies breaking their game to little bits and pieces every time they supposedly balance the game better for all classes.

It's absolutely unacceptable, and, for me, the final straw.

but what little we saw of the game at the time didn't feel immersive enough for us.

For me, it sort of felt just the opposite.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

The seeming-effortlessness and vitriol of your wit is always a clear indicator of your returning health.

Glad you're feeling better.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

The seeming-effortlessness and vitriol of your wit is always a clear indicator of your returning health.

Yeah, anger and righteous indignation are always a good sign.

[kurtmulgrew.livejournal.com]

I've only been with one girl my entire life but some guys are attractive. It's sad that I just looked over my shoulder when I typed that. When you think about the same gender it feels like I'm hiding from some fucking inquisition or something.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

When you think about the same gender it feels like I'm hiding from some fucking inquisition or something.

Well, the way things stand, you sort of are. Paranoia is often justified.

[unknownbinaries.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that it took ignorance to spawn it, but this is turning out to be a really fascinating conversation. I have been thinking about my own a lot, lately.

Oddly, it was easier not to do so when I felt I had something to hide, when I had to keep quiet and play unwaveringly straight to keep peace with my fuckhead ex, who insisted there is no bi, only confused straight girls who want attention, and lesbians who carry a grudge against men and wish to fuck with their heads. I'm still wrapping my head around the idea of being able to pursue answers to my own questions, it's like being a nervous high-schooler all over again.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

my fuckhead ex, who insisted there is no bi, only confused straight girls who want attention, and lesbians who carry a grudge against men and wish to fuck with their heads.

Oh my fucking dog. I think I'm going to puke now.

Sorry you had to endure that.

[blackestdarkness]

When you aren't "the norm," when, all your life, the validity of your desires and loves has been condemned and questioned and, at times, attempts have been made to beat it out of you, it changes how you see yourself. It's unfortunate, but it's true.

Exactly. Thanks so much for putting it into words. I often think people who've never had to experience that condemnation aren't going to understand why being gay/lesbian is constantly on one's mind, but maybe you're right and they just aren't trying. They don't have to give their heterosexual privilege a second thought and some are too full of themselves to care that people really do struggle with this sort of thing.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

They don't have to give their heterosexual privilege a second thought and some are too full of themselves to care that people really do struggle with this sort of thing.

The privileged are rarely willing to admit, even to themselves that they're privileged. Hence all the bullshit we get from the Far Right about queers asking for "special rights."

[kaz-mahoney.livejournal.com]

This is the world you made, now butch up and live with it.

I want that on a t-shirt.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I want that on a t-shirt.

Me too.

[lois2037.livejournal.com]

Gay, hetero, bi... It is a needlessly complicated old world, isn't it? And I think bi folk may be the most feared of all, and therefore just never mentioned. Whenever anyone in "the media" is married and has a same-sex affair, they are labeled as "gay" immediately and no one considers anything else. I've always wondered why that is, and why we are so uncomfortable when people just follow their hearts (or whatever). I live for the day when we can all be just people who love who we love, and I do see it coming for much of the world, even this country. I'm not holding my breath, though.

"'I've not left the house in eight days. Presently, it's sunny and 23˚F, though it feels like 10˚F with windchill. Things I only know because of the internet." With weather like that, I think anyone would sensibly stay inside

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

With weather like that, I think anyone would sensibly stay inside

Probably, but I didn't used to let the cold keep me bottled up, after we first moved to Providence.

[tracy tibbits (from livejournal.com)]

As someone who's been playing WoW off an on since vanilla, what they've done with the warlock class is downright disressing. You used to have roughly twice as many tools as you do now and they just keep pruning away. The class has lost a bit of its identity.

It sucks to see a chapter of your (online) life coming to a close, but know there are people in LotRO that will be waiting for you come spring!

There is more I have to say regarding the important discussion above, but this is already a wall of text. Maybe later.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

As someone who's been playing WoW off an on since vanilla, what they've done with the warlock class is downright disressing. You used to have roughly twice as many tools as you do now and they just keep pruning away. The class has lost a bit of its identity.

And I've heard no explanation.

but know there are people in LotRO that will be waiting for you come spring!

I'm a bit excited about it. I wanted to play LoTRO about a year before I began WoW, but the lack of a Mac client made it impossible.

Maybe later.

Okey dokey.

[pisceanblue.livejournal.com]

I think it's just the right balance of disturbing and erotic.
This is why we're so fond of you, Aunt Beast.

Thank you for the elaboration, as I will point any future whiners regarding Sarah and her concerns to this entry. I've tried my best to explain why those elements are intrinsic to Sarah's characterization, but I believe your take on it has a deeper resonance. People who object to such things as Sarah's sexual orientation, her use of profanity, even her references to other literary/pop culture works I find to be a failure of apprehending the greater value of the work. I am frustrated with the demand from the rabble for likable characters in fiction all the time. Sometimes the story demands we dislike the protagonist. Literature is not meant to make us feel good all the time and that demand seems to speak volumes regarding our sorry state.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the story demands we dislike the protagonist.

I suppose I can see this. I mean, Sarah is sort of a grumpy old pain in the ass. But she's so close to autobiographical...

This is why we're so fond of you, Aunt Beast.

Ah. Those who understand.

[jessamyg.livejournal.com]

To be honest the gender and sexuality of a person is not a thing I look at when in the throes of attraction. I've always found the thing that keeps me attracted, in the long term, is empathy.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

To be honest the gender and sexuality of a person is not a thing I look at when in the throes of attraction.

In truth, never have I. It's just that, the last fifteen years or so, I'm pretty much only interested in women. Well, only interested enough to bother.

[mystical-indi.livejournal.com]

This is the world you made, now butch up and live with it.

Agreed. This can be said for many, many things.

Good comments on gay/lesbian's thinking more about their sexual identity than straight's. It's very true, disturbingly so, because it shouldn't be such a big deal. The heterosexual's have repressed the homosexuals to the point that it is a huge internal conflict to be homosexual (of course, this is only saying for most. I'm sure some people might not have an internal conflict.)

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Agreed. This can be said for many, many things.

Agreed.

I'm sure some people might not have an internal conflict.

I think it's a matter of degree.

[jessamyg.livejournal.com]

To paraphrase the film I sat through many times when young, through no fault of my own, it was a favourite of my mother -

Love is never having to say, you're what?

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Love is never having to say, you're what?

Wonderful.

[ashlyme.livejournal.com]

To Aunt Beast, Sovay, and Timesygn - thanks for the sympathetic discussion of bisexuality. I'm somebody who identifies as that, and my boyfriend's gay: there's no major issue there for either of us. I'm just goddamn sick of goddamn homophobia, having suffered it at work for a few years, apparently off "tolerant" workmates; from the teenage mother who warned me (jokingly) to "stay away from my son's cock" (I did point out she'd got the wrong kind of deviant, but you don't want to hear my rage about this) to the bitch-sow of a manager who accused me of hitting on male customers for no good reason apart from being a bullying cunt. I've got no time for these people, yet it seems I have to share a world with them. Sorry for sounding off; it's just that I am often forced to think about my own sexuality when I'd rather consider it an everyday part of my existence (and wish straight people would too).

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

apparently off "tolerant" workmates

Ofttimes, I'm of the opinion that I do not want to be "tolerated." The word has odd connotations. I want to fucking accepted.

Sorry for sounding off

This is not the place you need to apologize for any of these sentiments.

[mrs-ralph.livejournal.com]

"Over all, I liked the book. I did get a bit irritated with the author constantly telling the reader that Sarah is a lesbian."

I think I would chalk that comment up as coming from someone who is not experienced in the ways of the world just yet. If Sarah had been a het male we would have had an inner dialogue that was much the same. I'm a het female and think much the same way about men past, present and possibly or impossibly future. Her mindset rings true to readers with empathy and enough life or reading experience to realise her thoughts on sex and sexuality are the norm.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Maybe you're just hornier than most hets...

;-P

[cynical-ghost.livejournal.com]

Most of my friends have given up on WoW... even the hard-core "I've played since vanilla!" types. I canceled my sub last month and don't regret it. I also have been playing in the Rift beta and it's just not comparable to WoW - Rift is just so much fun and a new world to explore! I even like the factions better (will be playing Defiant). I think WoW will be losing a lot of people the more they cater to the masses.

Oh and that Decemberists album is amazing. My 2nd favorite, after "The Hazards of Love."

[opalblack.livejournal.com]

Funny, it might be something in the air or it might just be that we're all getting older and more cantankerous at roughly the same rate, but my spicy concubine and I have been ranting a lot about heterocentricism and hetero privilege lately.

I fear I may be slowly turning into a heterophobe, I'm just so fed up with the one-step-forward-two-steps-back pace of human rights, the incessant cruel jokes at my expense and being told to lighten up about it, the you don't look gay, the you just haven't met the right guy, the I don't have a problem with it I just don't want to see it, the why isn't there a straight pride parade, the why do you always have to make such a big deal about being gay, the I'm not homophobic I have heaps of gay friends, being the gay mascot/token lesbian, having to explain myself over and over and over to people who do in fact have access to google and are just fucking lazy, AND ALL THE FUCKING REST OF IT. So, so, so very tired of it all.

I loved The Red Tree (still slightly hopeful I can get my copy back off my ex-wife, now we're speaking again). Sarah Crowe is a lesbian, so her journal is a lesbian journal. That's it, that's all the exposition I think it needs.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

I'm late to this conversation, but still, I wonder all too often how stupid are people? I mean really.

I'm queer and bisexual and polyamorous, and when I write about myself/my relationships, I tend to mention that regularly. It's as much a part of my identity as being a freak or a bibliophile. I didn't even realize that was unusual until people like you started pointing it out.

[l-the-fangirl.livejournal.com]

Your comments about the review articulate something better than I can. Thank you.