"I need to sleep so much."

[greygirlbeast]

Bye bye long day,
I need to sleep so much.
You shine on me.
Too much is not enough.

On the sheets and pillow case,
In my bed for heaven's sake,
The devil's dancing until late in my head there.
But I could sleep with you there.
I could sleep with you there.

Always.
Always.

Bye bye long day.
I need to sleep so much,
Nineteen hours straight.
Too much is not enough... — Catherine Wheel

I wrote a great deal of Silk to that album, which always surprises people, because they imagine that me as some goth-punk cliché. Like I wrote the damn thing holed up in a dark room listening to nothing but Bauhaus and Joy Division.

I did. Listen to Bauhaus and Joy Division when I was writing it, I mean. But I also listened to Catherine Wheel. The girl who used to cut my hair was dating the vocalist, though she lived in Georgia and he in London.

I'm awake and babbling. I start to think I will never sleep normally ever again. I'm annoyed because I meant to be reading Shirley Jackson's The Sundial, but discovered I am, instead, reading Shirley Jackson's The Bird's Nest. Which is a fine novel, just not what I meant to be reading.

I was telling Spooky, earlier, about living in Athens, and getting to know Michael Stipe. Because we bought our comics in the same comics shop, and drank at the same bar. How he gave me permission to quote a line of R.E.M. lyrics in an issue of The Dreaming: "It's a Man Ray kind of sky." But then the record label started making trouble, and we didn't have time to get it sorted out. So, I changed the line to "It's a memory kind of sky."

I am exhausted. My eyes are on fire. And I can't sleep. And one of the worst things about insomnia is that everyone has advice. They're well meaning, I know. Well intentioned. But I do so tire of the advice. It's hard to convince people you've heard it all, tried it all. Even when you say, "It's one reason I'm seeing a psychiatrist, and I have meds, and whatnot." They still talk about warm milk and hot baths. I do not want advice. I want sleep.

Comments

[novemberhour.livejournal.com]

I don't have advice. I'm just up, trying to write. I hope you get some sleep. I often have insomnia.

[jacobluest.livejournal.com]

"These are the arrows that murder sleep / at every hour in the bitter-cold night."

An older song, but one I keep returning to when I'm up later than I should. Just that part though. I could give a toss about Dínertach and how many arrows he has in him.

~Jacob

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

I do not want advice. I want sleep.

Unfortunately I understand this all too well. Useless advice is useless, and so are the damn sleep medications thus far. There are days I would kill for even 6 solid uninterrupted hours, but that's rare, rare, rare.

[sillylilly-bird.livejournal.com]

no advice, just hope and wishes for you to have good sleep

[kurtmulgrew.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain. Spanning 30+ hours until you're too sick to sleep can be really disheartening.

[waristerrorism.livejournal.com]

Dear Aunt Beast,
Since you are a public figure, I will write to you in public. It sounds like you are suffering, and I know that we are not supposed to talk about Judy. I think it is natural that people want to help. I am listening to "Fripp" right now, but by association, I listened to "Suffer in Truth" by Meshuggah. I have to make this brief, because writing takes me forever, and I know psychiatric disease or illness is complicated. If I could get you sleep, I would draw you a picture of "nap time."

_Xo_, Yr niece

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

My daughter seems to have inherited my inability to sleep correctly. On occasion, I have a companion in misery. That doesn't help either.
I have realized however that the whatever demon resides in the body that keeps me awake at all hours mocking me with his sleep thievery, it does finally go to work elsewhere or leave me be long enough -- and just in time -- that I do get a few good days of sleep. I call it the sleep rollercoaster. I'm starting to see a cycle. Do you keep track at all outside of the journal here? Have you seen a pattern? Mine seems to have a pattern, although the medical professionals can't find a cause (which is uber frustrating) I mention this only because it's helped me plan a few things better, because I can tell when I'm going to be stuck climbing up that hill of days and days of fried eyes, scattered thoughts and utter hatred at the world because I need rest, before I get to crest and speed downhill to sleep once more.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I love Catherine Wheel. It always makes me happy to find out someone else likes them.

[bloodlossgirl.livejournal.com]

Me too. The album "Chrome" is in my permanent Top 5.

[sugargirlx.livejournal.com]

i had insomnia as a teenager then i got pregnant and slept for about 8 months and over the past 15 years i've gone through various phases of sleeping like a normal person or too much or too little depending on my medication, grabbing a couple hours when i could and more recently suffering like you are.
it has been so long now that like you, i have this fear that i will never sleep normally again.
that exact thought skittered across my sore tired brain this very morning and i just wanted to comment and say that i hope we both find sleep and soon.