greygirlbeast: (Early Permian)
Trying to get back into The Red Tree, I spent yesterday reading (and proofreading) Chapter Three. There's no escaping the fact (and I say this again) that this novel needs several more months. Be that as it may, I have this month to finish it. And that's all the time I have to find THE END of The Red Tree. Yesterday, mostly, I was looking for loose threads that I do not wish to remain loose. The murders of 1922-1925, for example, or Sarah's having contacted someone at URI about taking Dr. Harvey's unfinished ms. off her hands. That sort of thing. I sat in a chair in the front parlour while I read, and the sun made me very, very sleepy, and made my eyes burn.

Later, Spooky cajoled me into getting dressed and go with her to the market on the Eastside (to get stuff for chili), then to the Dexter Training Ground to pick up our weekly CSA produce bag. It was chilly and windy out, but not unpleasant. The trees are looking more autumnal. So, yes, I left the house yesterday.

Later still, we watched Rob Minkoff's The Forbidden Kingdom, which we both found quite entirely delightful. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the film comes off a bit like a retelling of The Wizard of Oz, only instead of Oz, we get a mythic version of Medieval China. Jet Li and Jackie Chan are great. Yifei Liu (Golden Sparrow) and Bingbing Li (Ni Chang) are great and hot. Michael Angarano even managed to make a pretty good Dorothy Gale. As Spooky said, "It's a very sweet movie, and there aren't enough sweet movies these days." Indeed. Later, there was World of Warcrack, of course, and Shaharrazad made it to Lvl 14, while Mithwen struggles though the first part of Lvl 23. I am beginning to fear that WoW may actually force players to form groups, in order to advance, and that it's very, very hard to get anywhere as a loner. Which would suck.

Please have a look at the current eBay auctions, which will be ending late this afternoon. Bids are appreciated.

---

So, there's this whole revelation I've had about the Culture of Distraction, as it pertains to the life of an author. It's a very painfully obvious sort of revelation, the sort that I should have had long ago. But I can be slow about these things. We are deluged, as a society, and probably as a planet, with distraction. With the means of easy distraction, easy entertainment, and endless forms of socializing. It pours in via our computers, TVs, cellphones, PlayStations, X-Boxes, iPods, and what have you. There is easily enough here to drown anyone. As it stands, no one ever has to exist in a moment of silence. Solitude is easier to avoid than to find. That greatest of all human fears, greater even than the fear of death —— the fear of being alone —— can be avoided. Oh, everyone is still alone, at the end of the day, but the ceaseless noise is there to make it seem otherwise. There's almost an expectation that one has a duty to engage in electronic social multi-tasking every moment of the day. And how can anyone be alone when you can simultaneously talk on your cellphone, and text talk, and IM, and Twitter (gagh), and yammer on LJ and MySpace and Tribe and Facebook and Skype and what the hell ever? Can't find RL friends or lovers? Well, there's always SL, or cyber on WoW (or so I am told), and aren't surrogates better than nothing at all?

Point is, as an author, I must have solitude. Even though, mostly, it frightens me. I hate the sound of my own mind in the absence of all other sound. It is a dreadful roar. And so, especially over the last year and a half, I have fled into the arms of this plethora of services that help to dampen the noise. It's not so very different than the trouble I've had, on and off, my whole life with pills and alcohol. Something to take the sharp, gleaming edge off being alone with myself. When, in truth, being alone with myself a little more often is exactly what I need. It's what any author must have. It's no good to have a room of one's own, if you then fill it up with unending interaction with Others. Looking at it all now, it sort of horrifies me. This constant need I see for interaction, for contact, for "peer to peer" reassurance. So, I'm withdrawing from the Distraction, and yeah, that was one of many reasons that I bowed out of the Howards End sim (and SL, in general). I'll keep the LJ (and the MySpace account, which is only there to function as a mirror of this journal). I'll play genuine games, like WoW, but I will a) never forget they are only games, and b) I will play them in moderation.

For better or worse, this is what I am, a writer. And so I must sometimes —— often, really —— just sit and stare out the window at the wide carnivorous sky. Or walk along the shore and hear the sea. Or read a book. Or listen to Spooky reading to me. Or stare at the woodgrain of the floor while daydreaming. Or listen to music. Or drift for half an hour in a tub of hot water. Sometimes, I must go for days without any significant contact with other people. I must seek out friends in the "real world," when I have need of the company of friends. "Networking" is a thing I do when I cannot avoid it. I must watch people, whether I like them or not. I must unplug far more often. I must be content with the noise in my head, and stop trying to drown it with the Noise of the World.
greygirlbeast: (Bowie3)
No, I did not write yesterday. Spooky and I sat here and talked about Joey Lafaye, about how it might begin, but there was no actual writing. The day sort of spiraled away from me afterwards, because I have reached that point where the next novel must be written, regardless, and every day when it does not begin is a day added to the weight and struggle of finishing it by my deadline. This morning, I went back through the blog (something I do not often allow myself to do anymore) looking for the entries immediately before or at the beginning of the last two novels — Daughter of Hounds and Murder of Angels. And I have these two quotes, the first from October 9, 2004:

Yesterday, I spent three hours "writing" and wrote only 252 words, crawling through what might be page four of Daughter of Hounds. This book just isn't beginning. There's something I don't know, or many, many things I don't know, that are preventing me from moving forward. In a lot of ways, beginnings can be the worst part of writing. Beginnings are where we begin to eliminate possibilities. Every page I write, I eliminate that much possibility. Anyway, I'm so disgusted with this that I'm not touching it again until Monday. Maybe two days just trying to think about the book will help me figure something out. And then I can kill possibility with more efficiency.

And I have this quote from December 27, 2002, when I was trying to begin Murder of Angels:

To stand, again, at the starting point, that steep drop off the edge down to nothing at all, nothing to catch me or break the fall until I make it. The beginning of the quest for The End. One of the most difficult things that I've had to reconcile myself to, as an author, is the way these quests have to continue, one after another, forever, until I die, because that's what writers do. There is no, "And then, having survived the trials of the journey, our hero arrives at last at the fabled The End and there she lives happily ever after." Because there is always another quest waiting. For all my forever. If I look at it that way, though, it can crush me. I have to try to keep my eyes on the next book, not the necessity of all the books that are waiting in my future. Just the next book. That's more than enough. And now it's time to make it start happening, no more excuses, no more back-patting, no more "yeah, but, really, there's been so much crap to deal with," nothing but getting down to the business of writing, taking the first step, falling and having faith I remember how to write the Very Soft Place at the bottom. That is what writers do. The rest of it, the rest of it is just the space in between.

There is also the Anne Sexton quote, which seems spot on: "All I am is the trick of words writing themselves."

I will do my best to find the beginning of Joey Lafaye today. There's little more than that to be said.

Last night, Byron came for dinner, and then we watched two episodes of Torchwood. I think I'm very off balance after the departure of the house guests, as it served to underscore the isolation I have inflicted upon myself the last couple or three years. Anyway, after Byron left, I was on Second Life for an hour or so, on Arrakis, trying (with no success at all) to hide from the Prime Actuality. And Spooky and I finished our drawn out re-reading Dune.

And that is really all that needs to be said of yesterday. A day to bury deep and then sow the ground with salt. Somehow, I have to at least try to make something more of today.

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Caitlín R. Kiernan

February 2012

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