Different Day

[greygirlbeast]

Late yesterday, we drove down to Kathryn's parents' place, where we filmed last weekend. I'd hoped being away from the city might help the darkness that's been creeping back over me the past week or so. I know the meds are still working, even if it feels like they're not. Anyway, yeah, so we went to the farm. And at first I did have hope. I napped yesterday evening in the room I find safe and peaceful. But that was it. There was nothing else about the visit that helped, and that brief lifting of the veil dissolved very quickly.

But I did see a sky with far less light pollution. The stars I half forget are there to provide perspective. Which I suspect is one of the main reasons human beings are spewing so much energy to drive away the night. They know what the stars mean (even if only unconsciously, in that hindmost reptilian-part of their brains), and it terrifies them. At four-thirty ayem, I was watching the moon rise through the trees.

We played with the great beast that is Spider Cat. We fed the chickens. We saw deer. The frog that lives in the koi pond. The apple trees dying for another winter.

None of it did much of anything for the anger and blackness. Every year, there are fewer and fewer things that help. There is a darkness the meds can never touch, and even my psychiatrist knows that. Kathryn certainly knows. I'd burn it out if I could. I'd fill my eyes with the sheep-blank stares I see on most human faces, or I'd fill it with the ancient sanity of starlight.

Okay, enough of that for now. I'd "friends lock" this, except it would still go up on Facebook and Twitter, and LJ seems to have made it impossible to shut off the cross-posting feature I switched on a long time ago.

I still find myself hating the iPad. I think some people have misunderstood. I do not hate the iPad because it is a device somehow substandard to similar mobile devices. I hate that I needed to waste money on it, and that, no matter how hard I struggle to the contrary, it will be the vehicle of additional time displacement. This has nothing to do with Apple. The iPad is all shiny shiny and shit. It works like a dream. It's just something no one* on earth needs (or anything similar manufactured by another company), no matter how much they may "need" it.

I still find myself loving the work we did last weekend, and missing everyone who was here and helped to make the magic.

I'm considering – well, actually in the earliest stages of planning – two more Kickstarter projects, both for 2012. Now that Spooky is entering the final stages of the process of completing our "Tale of the Ravens" project, and now that I see The Drowning Girl Kickstarter yielding such fruits as it is yielding. We have had such amazing success with Kickstarter (thank you). One would be a boxed, two volume limited-edition set of hardbacks of both The Red Tree and The Drowning Girl, with lots of tipped in color illustrations, facsimile documents, expanded text, appendices, and so forth (because, you know, there's time for these projects hemorrhaging from my asshole). It would be a very expensive undertaking, but it would be worth the expense and time, if I could make it happen. It would probably be limited to 500 signed and numbered copies. Maybe 26 lettered copies.

Anyway, the other project is one I actually began working on, conceptually, a year ago. A short film, a vignette of the sort you'd make of a Sirenia Digest vignette. A siren washed up and dying at the end of the world, and it might overlap territory explored in "The Bone's Prayer." That series of personal apocalypse stories. This would actually be a far simpler and far cheaper project than producing the books.

These are maybes.

Oh, we saw Kevin Smith's Red State last night, which I say is an unreservedly brilliant film, and which must be seen. Right now, Netflix is streaming it. It's a terrifying and sobering exploration of belief and the consequences of belief taken to extremes, the consequences of blindly following...anyone or anything. Only following orders. Only following a man. Only following a "god." There is a moment when the film almost veers into the supernatural that is the most genuinely chilling bit of film I've seen since Sauna.

Now...

*Amended to "not everyone."

Comments

[sovay]

A short film, a vignette of the sort you'd make of a Sirenia Digest vignette. A siren washed up and dying at the end of the world, and it might overlap territory explored in "The Bone's Prayer."

I would like that.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I would like that.

Somehow, you would be involved. Definitely.

[subtlesttrap.livejournal.com]

A siren washed up and dying at the end of the world, and it might overlap territory explored in "The Bone's Prayer." That series of personal apocalypse stories.

Its so interesting that you mention them. Your "personal apocalypse" stories are some of my faves. For whatever reason I have re-read "A Bone's Prayer" and "Sanderlings" multiple times and always back to back. Your thematic dealings with the ocean and the unknowable things that come forth from her always spellbind and terrify me, just like the actual ocean herself.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

For whatever reason I have re-read "A Bone's Prayer" and "Sanderlings" multiple times and always back to back.

They're almost the same stories, and that was an accident.

[subtlesttrap.livejournal.com]

p.s. I would spring in a heartbeat for hardcover, special editions of The Red Tree & The Drowning Girl so I truly hope this happens! I'm still eagerly awaiting my deluxe edition of Two Worlds And In Between which I plan to read cover to cover by candlelight!

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

And, again, thank you. That's something I would love to see happen. But the expense would be significant.

[kaz-mahoney.livejournal.com]

A siren washed up and dying at the end of the world, and it might overlap territory explored in "The Bone's Prayer."

I would contribute to this in a heartbeat.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[opalblack.livejournal.com]

I know that darkness. Or one very much like it.

I'm sorry it has you. I'm sorry it has anyone. No one deserves or should have to live with this. If I knew a way to burn it out, I would.

For whatever it's worth to you, you're in my heart. And Casanova sends purrs, he jumped up on me while I was typing this especially to purr *really* loudly in your direction. Or, at least, the direction of your livejournal.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

No one deserves or should have to live with this.

But we have to consider that without it we wouldn't even be having this conversation, and I certainly wouldn't be me. This changes nothing, of course.

[opalblack.livejournal.com]

While, yes, the wounds shape us, that doesn't make it right or give it meaning. Even if it did, it wouldn't unwound us, or give us back the light that was broken. These fissures in our beings were forced on us for no greater purpose, and to say, though it is true, that they made us who we are and brought us to this place, this moment, and there are glitters to be had in it, well... accepting the irredeemable reality of it doesn't redeem that reality.

The flipside of "it's not fair, it just is" is "it just is, it's not fair."

Though I'm glad of this glittery moment in this place, I can't be grateful for the reasons we both came to be here. I know that's not what you were getting at, but still. Though the darkness brought us here in a thousand little ways, I can't be thankful for the darkness just for that.

This comment is in danger of turning into a poem.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

The flipside of "it's not fair, it just is" is "it just is, it's not fair."

There is, in all the universe, not such objective beast as Fairness. It's as imaginary as Justice, Good, Sin, and Evil.

All things "just are."

And gratitude, well, I am grateful for moments and things and people. But I am, in no general way, grateful. Am I grateful for the crucible? I'm pretty sure I said I wasn't, but only pointed out the obvious consequences that would follow from having been forged some other way.

[opalblack.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I think we're on more or less the same page, I'm just slurring with the tired. Disabusing oneself of notions such as fairness, rightness, hope, and greater purpose does make it easier to bear. But never gratitude, not for that.

Do you know there are actually people out there who envy us that tearing, bottomless darkness? Mostly nooage middle-class-white types who run around campfires waving dead things on sticks and calling it shamanism. I would like to slap them. For a lot of things, really.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Do you know there are actually people out there who envy us that tearing, bottomless darkness? Mostly nooage middle-class-white types who run around campfires waving dead things on sticks and calling it shamanism. I would like to slap them. For a lot of things, really.

Yes, across the board. I also know that whatever is "wrong" with me, virus-like, would like to be contagious. I would love to show them darkness.

[opalblack.livejournal.com]

I also know that whatever is "wrong" with me, virus-like, would like to be contagious. I would love to show them darkness.

This I know too. I try to confine its expressions to the artistic, but sometimes it sneaks out. I have done terrible things, and it never apologises.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I have done terrible things, and it never apologises.

Sadly, I have to own up for apologizing for it (the apologies are usually futile), but I'm trying hard to stop.

[opalblack.livejournal.com]

Understood. I tend to apologise for the things done*, even though they're out of my control, and it's a genuine apology that comes from whatever threads of remorse and compassion survive. But sometimes I want to apologise for being infected, like the fact that I have this hole in my spirit is a thing I should apologise for, and that most definitely is a habit to break.

*Unless aggressively provoked, in which case it is neither truly terrible nor deserving of an apology.

[ashlyme.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'd like to see both projects, especially the boxed novels (something like the "Colour" edition of HOL? Oak leaves for bookmarks?). I'd like to support that.

I've seen Sanderlings being sold second-hand on Amazon, and I am sorely tempted. The Bone's Prayer I came across once in Waterstones, but I cannot remember where it's collected.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

something like the "Colour" edition of HOL? Oak leaves for bookmarks?).

Something like that.

The Bone's Prayer I came across once in Waterstones, but I cannot remember where it's collected.

Some "year's best horror" or another. I think.

[subtlesttrap.livejournal.com]

"The Bone's Prayer" was first reprinted from Sirenia Digest in The Year's Best Dark Fantasy & Horror 2010 and deservedly so--especially since Paula Guran's inclusion of "dark fantasy" in the title is so apt for this CRK story.

All the elements working in "The Bone's Prayer" are what makes your work so brilliant and impossible to confine. Its surreal, speculative, dark, fantastic, mythical, cerebral, & fucking scary as Hell. Def one of my recent faves.

[ashlyme.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the headsup.

Nice icon.

[girfan.livejournal.com]

I trust your judgment on films-you haven't steered me wrong yet. I want to see Red State and you have confirmed it.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Very good.

[everville340.livejournal.com]

There was nothing else about the visit that helped, and that brief lifting of the veil dissolved very quickly.

I can relate...not out of a sense of comparison over the specific things we've experienced in our lives, but in having the sense that as the amount of each time the veil actually lifts decreases the amount of time in between it lifting seems to increase (if that makes any sense).

Right now, Netflix is streaming it.

Thanks for the Netflix streaming/DVD selections. There are things that I wouldn't normally have been aware of that I've now seen from having started to regularly 'follow' your LJ: Case 39, Trollhunter, and now queue-ing Red State and Sauna.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Case 39, Trollhunter, and now queue-ing Red State and Sauna.

Then I am doing a very good thing.

[everville340.livejournal.com]

Then I am doing a very good thing.

Yes, indeed. You are very much appreciated.

[aarontbc.livejournal.com]

One would be a boxed, two volume limited-edition set of hardbacks of both The Red Tree and The Drowning Girl, with lots of tipped in color illustrations, facsimile documents, expanded text, appendices, and so forth

This would be a grand and wonderous thing. "The Red Tree" absolutely deserves such lavish treatment.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

This would be a grand and wonderous thing. "The Red Tree" absolutely deserves such lavish treatment.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

[corucia.livejournal.com]

One would be a boxed, two volume limited-edition set of hardbacks of both The Red Tree and The Drowning Girl

I'd put down the bills for this in a heartbeat - I'm a glutton for hardback editions. Permanence and solidity, history and weight.

I still find myself hating the iPad. [snip] It's just something no one on earth needs (or anything similar manufactured by another company), no matter how much they may "need" it.

I purchased one recently for my teaching. Lots of students were asking if the materials for the class were tablet-compatible, and I needed the iPad to get everything formatted correctly. My view of it has changed a lot since I first obtained it. Initially I thought about it in the same manner you do. However, I now regard it in a different light - as a tool that does a job. Some tools are general-purpose (a chef's knife) while others are highly specific (a hard-boiled egg slicer). As a textbook replacement, the iPad is more in the line with the chef's knife than the egg slicer. The electronic version of the text is about half of the $160 for the printed version, and weighs a heck of a lot less. For a student, two or three semesters of electronic textbooks, and the iPad will have paid for itself. I may not like the impact it's going to have on publishing physical books, but it is a great tool for the job I need it to do...

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I'm going to agree (and the crowd goes wild) on the subject of textbooks. Yes, that is a very valid, indeed very good, use for an iPad like device. Textbooks are a ripoff, and they have been for decades. I also don't class most of them as genuine books, hence no conflict with my feelings about eBooks.

[mizliz13.livejournal.com]

I have no energy for anger anymore, so sometimes I think you're doing "better" than me (strange as that sounds). Most days, I just have the blackness, the abyss, the void. And my meds. Verily, I wouldn't be here without them.

You don't care for e-books? Fine. You don't care for the iPad? Fine. You like what you like and I like what I like. Why do people feel the need to quibble about these things?

Regarding the possible Kickstarter projects, I'm in, of course. Because I've always supported your work and always will.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I have no energy for anger anymore

I don't invite it in anymore than I can keep it out. Best I can do is hold it in.

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

'There is a moment when the film almost veers into the supernatural that is the most genuinely chilling bit of film I've seen since Sauna.'

Yeah, that was unexpected. Part of me wishes it wasn't explained, though.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that was unexpected. Part of me wishes it wasn't explained, though.

I considered that. But decided in this case, to achieve Smith's desired effect, an explanation was necessary.

[niamh-sage.livejournal.com]

Which I suspect is one of the main reasons human beings are spewing so much energy to drive away the night. They know what the stars mean (even if only unconsciously, in that hindmost reptilian-part of their brains), and it terrifies them.

Belgians must be particularly terrified then - I've never come across such an over-lit country before. Even our tiny little country lane has a street light outside every house. It's impossible to get a good view of the night sky here, much to my frustration.

And I think you're right about the terror.

[mondyboy.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that I absolutely adored The Red Tree. I'd also be really interested in a lavish version of the book.

[lachendwolf.blogspot.com (from livejournal.com)]

I absolutely agree with that Red State moment, and I admit I was semi-disappointed at the result. But at the same time, the explanation makes the credits scene even more chilling to me.

I'd be thrilled to contribute to a Kickstarter for any film project you might conceive... your imagery always kicks me in the gut. (In a good way.)