"You say there's no use trying to protect you from the danger and dread."

[greygirlbeast]

Yesterday was warm, and the night before ferociously windy. Night before last, I sat at my desk with the window open, and the wind blowing the world around Outside. There was sun yesterday, though it was still chilly in the shadows. Today, it's still warm, 70F at the moment, still warm, but cloudy. There must be something wrong with the commas in that last sentence. Anyway, I left the House yesterday, but the junk shop we wanted to scour is closed on Tuesday, and we didn't know. Still, it got me Outside. Last night, I was so tired I slept almost nine hours.

Back home, I all but finished the newest painting, Study #2 for Yellow. I'm much happier with it than I was with Study #1 for Yellow. I tweeted yesterday, "I am painting a convulsion." This morning, looking at the painting, I see it was an accurate description.

---

Back to the subject of my doing podcasts, and my discomfort with my voice, and how it follows from being transgendered. Back to being very weary of how so much of the world perceives gender. Back to vocal dysphoria (from Greek δύσφορος [dysphoros], from δυσ-, difficult, and φέρειν, to bear). Day before yesterday, the following was tweeted:

Um...Is Caitlin R. Kiernan a tranny, or just a really deep voiced woman? :/

Yeah, the witty emoticon was part of the post. A few minutes later, there was a second tweet, by the same person:

I'm STILL not sure if Caitlin R. Kiernan was born as a woman with a deep voice, or what. Apparently she's/he's an expert on H.P. Lovecraft.

To which I replied:

What the hell's the difference? Does gender, or birth gender, make one a better scholar or author?

I received this reply (and it's clear that the person asking these question didn't know I was, well, me, the person about whom he seemed so intensely curious...and yes, it's a he...I checked, because clearly gender is germane to all such discussions):

No, not at all! It's just hard for me to react to something my brain can't categorize. It's not a problem with her.

So...he cannot react (which he apparently must do) to something I've said unless he's capable of pegging my gender. Or sex. Or both. And, of course, it's more than that. My birth sex must be pegged, so that he can categorize, then react. A few minutes later, he tweeted:

@greygirlbeast For the record I have no problem with anyone's sexuality--it's just a first reaction to something like that to say 'Huh?".

To say "Huh?" Note, he doesn't say, "it's my reaction," but implies the reaction is universal (and it may well be). Anyway, I suppose I should be relieved. After all the hateful comments people made at YouTube when Frank Woodward posted an outtake from my interview for Lovecraft: Fear of the Unknown (which I almost didn't do, because I hate my voice), this is kid stuff. The "tweeter," was, by the way, an actual kid. This, of course, excuses nothing.

But it should serve as an illustration to those who simply seem unable to grasp the source of my discomfort. Not because there's actually anything wrong with women having deeper voices, or with being a transsexual. But because it wears me out. It exhausts me. Seeing this shit after all these years. My gender will always be a reason for many people to dismiss me out of hand. Or to hate me. Or to spew transphobic and homophobic vitriol. Or whatever. I know that. I accepted that ages ago. But it still wears me out. I always expect it, and yet it comes when I least expect it. It almost always blindsides me.

That someone must know my gender before he can "react" to my comments. And it hardly matters that there are better, smarter, more tolerant people in the world. It matters not one whit. Sometimes, I get tired of fighting the good fight. I've been fighting it my whole life. But, here I am still fighting, because I don't know how to stop.

I'm talking in circles. I just wanted to put this out there, as a case in point. This is why I dislike my voice, and this is why I am hesitant to do podcasts, or live interviews, or cons, or public readings. I'd like to move through the world being treated no differently than other women, those women who happen to be cisgendered. The lucky women who've never had anyone doubt their identity.

And if I've revealed anything here you didn't already know, well...either you haven't been paying attention, or you're too good and intelligent a person to give a shit. Or both. However, should it make you think less of me, in any way, you can go fuck yourself with a rusty corkscrew. I'll even help, if you can't figure out how that works.

Comments

[wolven.livejournal.com]

But, here I am still fighting, because I don't know how to stop.

Fucking Sucks, doesn't it?

Good luck, today.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Fucking Sucks, doesn't it?

Well...truthfully...never mind.

[lee-in-limbo.livejournal.com]

Don't let The Stupid get to you. It's not you. It's just The Stupid.

And I think you're just fine, for what it's worth.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Don't let The Stupid get to you. It's not you. It's just The Stupid.

Thing is, The Stupid is in charge, and always will be.

[coppervale.livejournal.com]

You are of my Tribe. Always have been. Always will be.

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

And This^.

Caitlin's voice

[scott connors (from livejournal.com)]

When we met at the HPLFF, I found your voice to be very nice, and well within the range of feminine vocalizations with which I am familiar. As for it being "deeper" than "usual:" it is what it is, it's part of who you are. Illegimiti non carborundum.

[sillylilly-bird.livejournal.com]

While I would enjoy hearing you read your work, I would understand if you choose to not open another path for potential blind-sides. There are enough sources of exhaustion in life without seeking for more; especially if you can't help but engage when it shows up.

Personally, I (and the friends whom I have turned on to your work) find you to be an incredibly intelligent and marvelously talented woman whose current works are admired and new works awaited.

FWIW, I think you should take care of yourself and your well-being, first and foremost.

[kaz-mahoney.livejournal.com]

I'd like to say I'm amazed that people do care enough about your voice to bring it the hell up on twitter... but I suppose I'm not amazed at all, because there's so much fear and ignorance in this world we live in. And twitter is sort of a microcosm of that world.

I've always let your writing do the talking--but would be totally thrilled to listen to podcasts. More CRK? Hell, yes! :)

[sovay]

I've got nothing useful. The world is full of stupid. I'm sorry.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

There is much useful that can be said. "I'm sorry" is pretty good.

[scarletboi.livejournal.com]

As I'm sure I've said in the past, people suck. Part of why I like SL is that people (generally) treat one as one presents, rather than making shitheel assumptions.

I went to a convenience store the other day, and the girl behind the counter carded me... My ID has long burgundy hair and drawn-on eyebrows. She laughed and said "I'm not going to front, you looked like a straight-up tranny here."

Seriously? I talked to the manager, and he said "Eh, it's no big deal, she was just making a joke."

I really want to print out a copy of this post by John Scalzi and just give people copies when they're dicks.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I went to a convenience store the other day, and the girl behind the counter carded me... My ID has long burgundy hair and drawn-on eyebrows. She laughed and said "I'm not going to front, you looked like a straight-up tranny here."

I actually had to go to Google and figure out what "I'm not going to front" means...

[egologic.livejournal.com]

I've heard your voice (in the documentary about H.P. Lovecraft).

All I can say is (for what it is or isn't worth) your voice is fine.

I'm a gay man in my late 50s. Sometimes people ask questions and I'm pretty open about being gay even at work. I'd prefer not to have my sexuality be a big deal but if it really must be a big deal (and for some people it is), then I'd rather have it be a big deal in a good way.

[timesygn.livejournal.com]

Re: writers and their voices. I've always been fascinated at the disconnect between my preconception of what someone will sound like based on his/her writing, and the actuality of their speaking voices. The biggest trip for me was hearing John Irving in person. I had always imagined him having a big two-fisted kinda' manly-man voice. But he's high-pitched and has a bit of a lisp ...

For the record, based on the film clip, I really like your voice - I think it's melodious and engaging. And I have been waiting a long time to hear a Caitlin R. Kiernan podcast.

[amethyst-clan.livejournal.com]

"What the hell's the difference?", indeed.

My stance? I'm not sleeping with you, so why should I care what's in your pants? You write wonderful stories and I'm going to keep reading them. -shrugs-

And anyone who has a different opinion is losing out on having wonderful, life-changing stories in their life. Their loss.

[britmandelo.livejournal.com]

This is neither here nor there as for the social reaction to trans/cis issues, but I find your voice to be very nice. Someone else used the word melodious, and that's the word I'd pick also.

[scarletboi.livejournal.com]

Definitely. One thing I dearly miss about the "good old days" of Dragon*Con (what, until 2007?) is getting to listen to Caitlín read. It was always so soothing after the hectic stress of the trip.

Life

[rexallen.livejournal.com]

Given the initial conditions of the universe plus the causal laws of physics as applied over ~13.7 billion years, how could it be any other way?

To the extent that it isn't predetermined, it's random.

Life. None of it can be taken seriously.

[easter-lane.livejournal.com]

I'm very, very sorry this happens to you. Sometimes I think that when someone is a part of the 'norm', well, they really have no idea what life is like for people outside of it. I know that when I considered myself a Christian, even though I was never of the crazy, evangelical type, I had NO IDEA how much our culture is soaked in Christianity until I stopped being one. Now I look around and go, how could I miss this? It's freaking EVERYWHERE. I think it might be even worse for straight people without gender issues; a lot of them grow up not even understanding the basics of how their own bodies, how their own sexuality works (thanks crazy, evangelical Christians), let alone what lies outside of themselves.

I'm not sure this helps, and I hesitate to add it, but I've followed your blog for a few years now, and I didn't know you were transgendered until you mentioned it. Again, I'm so sorry for what you have to go through to just be you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It's never occurred to me to doubt how you presented yourself. (Knowing that one of my literary favorites is a little more like me is kind of heartening. But that's an entirely selfish thought.)

[neutralgenius.livejournal.com]

It wasn't until September or August of this year that I found out that you are transsexual. Before that I was completely unaware mainly because I hadn't heard your voice before. But when I saw that clip on YouTube desperately wanting to know how you sound, I went into massive fangirl mode. And my love and respect for you increased. For me, you have been and always will be a woman. And even though you have a deep voice, I think it adds to you being a woman. It's a lovely voice. Very soothing as well. I remember listening to you at HPLFF and feeling completely relaxed while listening.

I am sorry that you have to go through that shit, though. That's just insanely ignorant of the person and if they are implying the "huh?" reaction is universal, they can go suck a fuck.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

For me, you have been and always will be a woman.

It's the most kindly thing anyone can say to me.

Fuck off stupid people.

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

I was one of those who was either not paying attention as well as truly could give a shit about gender. I take people as they are. When someone asked me about it a more than a year ago, I shrugged and said I didn't know and didn't care (with a footnote of why did they care and need to know?) Beyond that... I can't add much more about this issue than the throngs of comments here by people who sincerely respect you and your work. I could have you read to me every day (ala podcast) and just relish the beautiful words and the soothing, intelligent voice that delivers them.

P.S. I hope to all that is intelligent in this universe that I am raising my children to not be like that twit on the tweet.

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Shows you how off my game I am today that it took me a full three minutes to find the double entendre in my own comment.

[blackestdarkness]

I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to say in response to this post, knowing that I don't have to say anything, but I want to offer some sort of support. I'd still enjoy hearing a podcast from you but definitely wouldn't want you to add more stress to your plate. I'm one of the ones that didn't realize you weren't cisgendered and I don't give a shit. Labels are for The Stupid and yes, unfortunately they will always be in charge. I try to ignore them. Being a "lesbian" with my own gender issues I know how difficult that can be.

[olivia nishkian (from livejournal.com)]

I know I've said this before, but if your voice is that much of a source of discomfort for you, then you should probably invest in some free spectrogram software and calibrate it to the desired range, then just go through very small, daily exercises for a year or so until you reach that range naturally. It can be done, and it is frequently done (even in later years).

I know you might feel it's "too late" for that, but I'd really just have to disagree.

While your voice, in this circumstance, did indeed illuminate the ignorance and reactionary, simplistic thought processes of the average 21st century male youth, I don't think it's worth all of this discomfort on your part. That is to say, I don't think you should have to dissuaded from speaking for any reason (unless you actually don't want to speak, in which case, it works out).

I DO understand the feeling of very deep, internal exhaustion with all of this bullshit. So if your decision is to just say "fuck it" and let people be what they will, then I can absolutely get behind that.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I know I've said this before, but if your voice is that much of a source of discomfort for you, then you should probably invest in some free spectrogram software and calibrate it to the desired range, then just go through very small, daily exercises for a year or so until you reach that range naturally. It can be done, and it is frequently done (even in later years).

This is really fairly complicated. I started voice therapy (not this fancy software stuff) back in the early 90s, but it just began to seem utterly absurd. And one more source of exhaustion, in the exhausting process of being me. So, I stopped trying, and my voice even slipped back some.

Thing are two issues here: a) my innate discomfort with my voice, stemming from having been taught women sound like this, and not like that, and b) the same expectations harbored by the rest of the population. Were it only me, I'd have overcome my own discomfort many years ago. But since it's not only me, since this is systemic to our culture, it is one of those ways that being what I am gets me hassled.

In a sense, there is a wrongness in changing my voice to suit social expectation.

[mizliz13.livejournal.com]

Nothing in today's post is news to me, and I've always figured you'd be quite wiped out.

My comment about *this* comment:

@greygirlbeast For the record I have no problem with anyone's sexuality--it's just a first reaction to something like that to say 'Huh?".

I thought he was discussing your gender, NOT your sexuality (two different things, of course)?

Also:

"However, should it make you think less of me, in any way, you can go fuck yourself with a rusty corkscrew. I'll even help, if you can't figure out how that works."

Should you need any assistance, I'll help you whilst fucking these "people."

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I thought he was discussing your gender, NOT your sexuality (two different things, of course)?

No way this kid gets the distinction between gender, sex, and sexual orientation.

[miakodadreams.livejournal.com]

I don't think I was aware that you're transgendered until the issue of podcasts came up. It's entirely likely I either missed relevant posts or I'm just dense. Or both!

So now I'm trying to imagine why that knowledge would color how I relate to you or your work (or your voice). That never really occurred to me, before. Am I supposed to feel the need to go back and re-read your stories to look for "signs" I missed? Should I now become an insecure dipshit and qualify my previously expressed admiration with an identity disclaimer just in case someone gets the "wrong idea" (because obviously only gay/trans/whatever readers would admit to liking gay/trans/whatever authors)? Am I obligated to feel vaguely uncomfortable when I'm reading my copy of Sirenia Digest?

I'm not up on my idiot protocols anymore, so I'm just winging it, here.

Hmm. Nope. The only difference I notice is that it somehow makes me slightly more pissed off at things like this (http://www.wsbt.com/news/wsbt-south-bend-council-rejects-gay-102510,0,4158823.story). Oh! But maybe I could ask my esteemed council reps for a copy of those previously mentioned protocols...

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

It's entirely likely I either missed relevant posts or I'm just dense. Or both!

It's something I neither deny nor advertise.

[fornikate.livejournal.com]

that's so horrible.

[catconley.livejournal.com]

Does the tweeter also think that Stephen Hawking is a computer? Does he need clarification on that before he decides how to react to A Brief History of Time? Jeesh.

[stsisyphus.livejournal.com]

HAH. Perfect.

[ulffriend.livejournal.com]

I must be incredibly dense, because I've been a fan since "Silk", and my only reaction when I saw "Lovecraft: Fear of the Unknown" was, "My, doesn't Caitlin have a deep voice?" and then pay attention to what that voice was saying about Lovecraft. My thought when you mentioned being transgendered here in your livejournal was, "Well that lends some extra depth to some of the transhumanist stories, doesn't it?"

It seems to me that you are the person whose work I enjoy - the rest is all just details, important because it can inform understanding of the work but not necessary for the enjoyment of it and certainly not relevant except to you and those close to you.