"I watch it break and slide."

[greygirlbeast]

This will probably come out all higgledy-piggeldy. this journal entry. But I will persevere, nonetheless. Any day that begins by reading a report of new fossils of the Early Miocene-aged bird Pelagornis chilensis, confirming that it had a wingspan of 5.2 meters (about 17 feet), can't be all bad. That's a wingspan roughly double that of an albatross.

And yesterday was a good writing day, thanks to having slept. I hear people who seem to boast about their insomnia. "Oh, hell. I haven't slept since 1979!" You know, like it's a point of pride. Maybe they're just scrabbling for a silver lining, but it never feels that way to me. Anyway, I did 1,319 words on my piece for The Thackery T. Lambshead Cabinet of Curiosities. I should finish it today. It doesn't really have a title yet, but concerns a very grim artifact known to some as the "Castleblakeney Key," and it's written entirely in excerpts from letters, scientific and other academic journals, books, and the like. I think I like it a great deal. It's just been a bitch to write. Not sleeping hasn't helped.

I've decided that the trip to Manhattan needs to be postponed until after the HPLFF. So, early or mid October. I spoke with my agent yesterday. Now I need to get in touch with Peter, and with my editor at Penguin.

Please have a look at the current eBay auctions, if you've not already. Some of the auctions end tomorrow. Also, Spooky has begun making Halloween decorations, so you may want to have a look at her Dreaming Squid Dollworks & Sundries shop at Etsy.

---

When I was in my late twenties and still living in Birmingham, I ran in certain circles. Circles within circles, for that matter. High society for Southern drag queen débutantes and grande dames, a coterie of queer druggies and hustlers and bartenders. Lesbian bouncers and pool sharks. The day began at sunset and ended at dawn (so winters were preferred). It was another time and another place. It was vile, and it was degrading, and it was beautiful. I find I am capable of being both nostalgic for those circles, and grateful I lived through it all. Many of my friends didn't. They died of one or another of the inevitable hazards of being part of those circles. We all thought we would live forever, and we thought that world would last forever.

There was a man who went by the name of Rocky. I have no idea what his real name was, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't Rocky. I thought he was handsome as hell, and I had a crush on him. He wore leather bomber jackets and styled his hair in a pompadour. He drove these antique Mercedes-Benzes, so I imagined he was wealthy. Turns out he wasn't. He was a chauffeur and a heroin dealer. But I still had a crush on him.

Our paths finally crossed one night, because someone told someone who ran with Rocky that I had a crush on him, and I suppose it amused him. I won't be so arrogant as to imagine it flattered him. So, that night, he drove me around the Southside of Birmingham in one of those beautiful old cars. I was wearing this ridiculous, tattered wedding dress I'd found in a thrift store called Memory Lane. After the drive, we went back to his apartment, and I shot heroin for the first time. It was also the last time, because it was so good, so utterly better-than-sex good, that I knew if I ever did it again, I'd wind up addicted. And I was already on pills and booze. Anyway, I threw up, which wasn't very ladylike, but Rocky was cool about the whole thing. I sat in the same chair for hours, numb and thrumming and staring at the city lights, flying on that dose of smack. Rocky was a gentleman. I can't remember a single goddamn thing we talked about.

I have all these memories in my head, and I think I want to start writing them down. All these people and places that I've hinted at in my books, that I've fictionalized, But at forty-six, I begin to feel the tug of mortality, and I think of those memories being lost forever. I think of what Roy says at the end of Blade Runner, just before he releases the dove: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the darkness at Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.

Yeah, sounds pretty sappy. But still. I think I'm going to start writing those things down here, from time to time. I hope I don't embarrass my mother too much. Though, it's hard to imagine that's even still possible these days.

Comments

[david lemoine (from livejournal.com)]

Your writing, real or fiction, is always vivid and realistic. I enjoy candid looks into the psyche of authors and artists. I'm looking forward to these random memories.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I'm looking forward to these random memories.

Spooky says I should write a memoir. I told her I'm going to write this stuff down now, so that when I'm ready to write a memoir in ten years I won't have forgotten it all.

[akaten.livejournal.com]

Any memoir of yours would be an instant classic. I look forward to its release with intense eagerness.

[david lemoine (from livejournal.com)]

You know, I almost suggested writing a memoir, but I didn't know if it would seem too presumptuous of me to be like, "On top of all the writing you have to do just to pay the rent and eat, you should also take on the responsibility of writing a memoir." But, one of the reasons I've never tired of your work is that the glimpses of your personal life that you've shown to us readers are just as interesting as your fiction. So, yes, a memoir would be snapped up by me in a heartbeat.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

You know, I almost suggested writing a memoir, but I didn't know if it would seem too presumptuous of me to be like, "On top of all the writing you have to do just to pay the rent and eat, you should also take on the responsibility of writing a memoir."

See, that's the thing. Time. Energy. Though, I suppose if I didn't squander so much time on WoW....

[david lemoine (from livejournal.com)]

Oh, I'm so glad that the WoW bug finally stopped biting me. When I've gone back in the last year I've always become quickly bored with the game. Though there was a time when I played non-stop. Though that was way back when it first came out and took for-fucking-ever to reach even level forty. I have plenty of fond memories of drinking and playing (which go together nicely I might add). I remember continuously refilling my glass of gin and going through Blackfathom Depths, dying halfway though, then realizing I could barely stand up out of my chair without falling backwards. Good memories.

[xjenavivex.livejournal.com]

My first decade + was spent in Columbus, GA. Winter was always preferable.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Winter was always preferable.

Frankly, I preferred summer nights. But they didn't last very long.

[xjenavivex.livejournal.com]

I was always the biggest fan of the fall when the breeze rolled in and my sister and I made our witches brew out of monkey grass berries. It brings back nice memories. I think it only snowed once or twice while I was there. The summer storms, though, in tornado alley were something to behold.

[kurtmulgrew.livejournal.com]

What do you think of this humpbacked therapod Concavenator corcovatus? It seems very stange.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

It is strange. Strange and marvelous.

[rozk.livejournal.com]

You absolutely need to write a decent chunk of it down now, and get it out to a few trusted friends. All of us are frail and potentially suddenly dead and there is too much in the way of wonderful stuff in what little I know of your life to risk losing those lights.

Please.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

All of us are frail and potentially suddenly dead

That's a beautiful line.

You absolutely need to write a decent chunk of it down now, and get it out to a few trusted friends.

There's just so much of it. It's like a space ark or something. How do you decide what's worth saving, given finite time and resources?

[rozk.livejournal.com]

As someone with my own space ark problems, whose friends shout at one reguarly about this, I know this. All we can do is make a start.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

All we can do is make a start.

Yep.

[kathryn-aka-kat.livejournal.com]

She has said it so much better than I. But yes, seconded, thirded, how-every-many'd, without the starting, there will be nothing.

[kambriel.livejournal.com]

I've had thoughts along those lines too... the things I've lived through that ~sounds~ like stories, the things people would never expect, those things which were both experienced and somehow, impossibly, survived. I wonder if I'll ever take the time to record them in one cohesive place.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I wonder if I'll ever take the time to record them in one cohesive place.

I hope I didn't imply that we have a duty to write those things down. We don't. It's a choice we make. It just freaks me out to think about those moments effectively vanishing (though, of course, that's what most moments do).

[kambriel.livejournal.com]

No implication, nothing required, and thinking on it ~ some things I am more than happy to *never* write about, things that can combine to make the person that is, without the need for it to be described to the outer world in full detail.

We reserve the right to indulge in something which tastes delicious, without needing to always be aware of each and every ingredient used in making it.

Our moments will vanish, as new ones are created. Destruction - Creation. Even in the re-telling, there will be the ethereal parts of that moment in time which will never live again.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I think I love everything you wrote there, so much I can't single out any part of it.

No matter how much I want to preserve it all, I also recognize the inherent transience of these memories, and of moments, is what makes them precious (fuck, I hope that didn't sound like a Hallmark card).

[wolven.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that. I, too, look forward to the memories and the memoir.

[seph-ski.livejournal.com]

How odd that you should write about preserving your unique experiences when I've spent the whole morning debating whether I want to archive my personal blogs or allow them to fade out into the ether. Part of me is rethinking, digging through my mental archives to see if there's anything there that I'd like to see preserved, for my own bit of immortality and/or for the world's benefit. And part of me is still thinking, "Fuck them! These are my moments, my memories. They can all go collect their own."

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

"Fuck them! These are my moments, my memories. They can all go collect their own."

That's not an unhealthy declaration, no matter how it may be opposed to my own sentiment.

[seph-ski.livejournal.com]

I'm such a selfish brat though. I am hoping to read more of your own memories, even if I'm still on the fence about ever sharing the best of my own.

[elmocho.livejournal.com]

I'll see you Blade Runner for cheese and raise you TNG: "It's not safe out here. It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires, both subtle and gross. But it's not for the timid."

I would love to see a memoir, even in bits and pieces.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I'll see you Blade Runner for cheese and raise you TNG: "It's not safe out here. It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires, both subtle and gross. But it's not for the timid."

Wow, I'm a nerd. I actually remember that episode.

I would love to see a memoir, even in bits and pieces.

Well, that's the state of my memory, so...

[elmocho.livejournal.com]

Wow, I'm a nerd. I actually remember that episode.

First appearance of the Borg. But I remember Q's dialog a lot better.

[kylecassidy.livejournal.com]

have you read michelle tea's book "valencia"? it's one of my favorite novels ever written.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

have you read michelle tea's book "valencia"? it's one of my favorite novels ever written.

I haven't read anything by Tea, though I know I ought to have,

[dragau.livejournal.com]

The one thing about insomnia I hate above all else is the colossal waste of time. Those are the nights I get many short housekeeping chores done. For me, the worst thing I can do is to continue lying there fretting about it.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

For me, the worst thing I can do is to continue lying there fretting about it.

Yeah. I usually finally get up and read, or play WoW, or rearrange the distribution of cat toys throughout the House.

[neutralgenius.livejournal.com]

I've actually been having that fear of my memories fading away into nothingness lately and I'm much younger than you. My solution was to keep a journal that I don't publish online. I tend to get lost writing down my thoughts. It's rather pleasant.

Anyway, I am looking forward to the bits of memories that you post and seeing how you fit it into your wonderful fictional worlds.

[sovay]

But still. I think I'm going to start writing those things down here, from time to time.

I like that you are writing these things down. Perhaps there should be a book of them.

[mira-ceti.livejournal.com]

I second what everyone has said here, I would love it and I know it would become a very treasured book for me.
I just read something earlier today that i wrote something like 10-12 years ago (am 32), at a time where I didn't let anyone know what was/is inside of me. Reading you (and Poppy) at that time helped me so much with my own "weirdness" (not that we are weird, but for some people I guess we are). Finally, I was not alone with anymore. So thank you for this post, it reminded me of things from the past, ghosts of the past. And know that telling your own stories and memories are helping some to be more "brave" and accepting of what's inside of us. So, again, thank you for this.

I was wondering if you have read "Les liaisons dangereuses" (Dangerous Liaisons) by Choderlos de Laclos? The entire book is written from letters.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I was wondering if you have read "Les liaisons dangereuses" (Dangerous Liaisons) by Choderlos de Laclos?

Yep, but not since college.

[miakodadreams.livejournal.com]

I am a little jealous that even the pieces of your memories are so vivid. Mine have already eroded into muddy pools, with only single moments -- not even enough there to qualify as a scene -- occasionally bobbing to the surface. And even those rarely visit without being triggered by a song, or scent, or place.

Please do share those memories with us. To you, they are memory. To me, they are a completely different and wonderful sort of weird fiction.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

I am a little jealous that even the pieces of your memories are so vivid. Mine have already eroded into muddy pools, with only single moments -- not even enough there to qualify as a scene -- occasionally bobbing to the surface. And even those rarely visit without being triggered by a song, or scent, or place.

Right now, my long-term memory is very sharp (always has been). It's my short-term memory that's going kaput.

[alvyarin.livejournal.com]

Just want to add my voice to the "more memories, please". I loved it.

Caitlin

[clevelandisaplum.blogspot.com (from livejournal.com)]

Was that a test to see if my tear ducts are working? The answer is yes.