I'll show you the life of the mind!

[greygirlbeast]

You know, life as a moderately successful fiction writer isn't crappy enough, between the stress and uncertainty and the money problems, the deadlines and the critics who aren't idiots to whom who you actually have to listen. No. I also have to contend with illiterate shit weasels who have somehow gotten it in their tiny prosimian noggins that they're qualified to write book reviews. And no, this time I'm not talking about the "reviews" on Amazon.com.

Ibsen wrote, "To live is to war with trolls." I've always loved that quote. But I would hasten to add, "To live as a novelist is war with the short-bus trolls."

To wit, a review of Murder of Angels in the October issue of Fangoria*, which was only just brought to my attention yesterday. On the one hand, this is easily the worst published review I've ever gotten, the only truly negative published review I've ever gotten (to my knowledge), but on the other hand, that's only a small comfort. Long ago, when I was just a little baby writer, docbrite advised me never to respond to my critics. But even she seems to have abandoned that policy. So what the hell. I'm in such a sweet mood today that I just want to frelling share.

*A caveat: I do not read Fangoria. I stopped reading it way back in the early nineties, as the zine just seemed to get dumber and dumber and dumber, and I've never really been part of the boobies and blood crowd. This is only the second time Fangoria has bothered to comment on my writing. The first was a lukewarm review of Silk. I have been grateful for their disregard.

Mr. John Philpott writes:

There's much to admire about the way Caitlín R. Kiernan writes, her work belies an artful care. Meticulous horror that aspires to be eerie rather than dumb deserves as wide an audience as it can find. For all that, this novel is redolent of comic books, a failing that fatally undercuts the author's strengths and makes her Lovecraft-describing-MTV passages piss-elegant. She might get away with it if she weren't so serious in her author's note. Do we really need to know what Bob Dylan songs she listened to while typing? Save that stuff for the press release.

Murder of Angels centers on rock star Daria Parker who keeps a home in Alabama with a paid guard to watch over her insane friend Niki and prevent Niki from sliding into what I'm guessing is the Qliphoth of the Kabbala. (That'd be "hell" to you and me.) Eventually, Niki reaches this place and finds the beings there address her as the Hierophant. Often Kiernan's dialogue, like her writing in general, tends towards a sophomoric cleverness. When Niki converses with beings in the other realm, however, the critters sound goofy. The latter half of Murder of Angels livens up a great deal, yet also features some tricksy "poetic effects" that are just corny. When a certain character dies and leaves this mortal plane, a series of single sentences and then phrases and finally individual words appear, one to a page, for ten pages. Huh?

Kiernan is a literary stylist, a master of her particular mood — and a poor storyteller. In general, her prose suffers from a static quality, because even when some event finally disrupts the angst, the action still feels empty and plotted. She creates characters in extreme emotional states, but it's not as if they change to become that way. We have no idea what these people might be like when thye're not desperate or insane, and this book doesn't read as though Kiernan does either.

What am I supposed to say in response to a reviewer who's reading comprehension is so low that he couldn't even catch the fact that Daria's house is located in San Francisco, not Alabama? How would I reply to someone with such an obvious contempt for poetry or any sort of experimental prose that he isn't ashamed to employ a phrase like "tricksy 'poetic effects'"? I just don't know. How about, "Asshole, meet Opinion. Opinion, meet Asshole"?

I have written my publicist and editors letters asking that they never again send review copies to Fangoria.

And Mr. Philpott, if you are out there ego-surfing one day and happen across these comments, just remember, though it might be trite of me to say so, an A- from Entertainment Weekly trumps an F+ from a titties and gore mag any old day of the week. In short, please feel free to kiss my sophomoric ass, that is if you can first manage to extract your head from out your own.

Also, my thanks to Spooky who hid in a corner at Borders and copied Mr. Philpott's foolishness down on two Priority Mail labels (front and back). I wasn't about to pay $8 for the pleasure of being insulted by this snide little idiot.

Comments

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

'john philpott'? either that's a nom de plume or he has the most unfortunately scatalogical name ever.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

'john philpott'? either that's a nom de plume or he has the most unfortunately scatalogical name ever.

Sort of a nom de merde, actually.

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

actually i went googling and there are lots of guys with that name. so it is, conceivably, a legitimate name.

so you could, if sufficiently vindictive and tanked, write him a letter beginning 'dear toilet take-a-dump...'

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

No offense intended in the slightest, but worrying about a bad review in Fangoria is like worrying about getting a bad review from the congenital idiot who used to write the "Catholics Have More Fun" column in Tangent back in the day. It's not like Fangoria has newsstand distribution worth a damn or gets read by anyone who doesn't have to have Beavis and Butt-Head explained to them: the damn thing's little more than a workfare project for Tony Timpone. This is just me, but let it slide: it's not like any of the media SF zines give a fart in a high wind about literary SF anyway, and this guy probably cobbled his review on the promise of free books. And so it goes.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

No offense intended in the slightest, but worrying about a bad review in Fangoria is like worrying about getting a bad review from the congenital idiot who used to write the "Catholics Have More Fun" column in Tangent back in the day.

Agreed. And I'm not actually worried about this one, just pissed off and disgusted. I'll get over it.

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

i pick it up now and again when there's a story inside about a movie or person i'm interested in. but the magazine definitely went downhill after 'uncle bob' and then david everett left. i remember when fango had a personality. then again, that could be nostalgia for one's teenage years talking. goddess knows the thing has been the premiere magazine of the horror genre (not a compliment) for at least the last decade. rue morgue is far more to my taste, these days.

[the-numinous-1.livejournal.com]

When a certain character dies and leaves this mortal plane, a series of single sentences and then phrases and finally individual words appear, one to a page, for ten pages. Huh?

Well, shit. I wish I hadn't read that before I'd read the novel. Thanks for the spoiler, Mr. Phil-fucking-pott. This is why I don't read reviews anymore.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Well, shit. I wish I hadn't read that before I'd read the novel. Thanks for the spoiler, Mr. Phil-fucking-pott. This is why I don't read reviews anymore.

Well, I suppose that's actually my fault for not putting the thing behind a cut, but, on the other, it really isn't as much of a spoiler as it might seem.

[lethecerulre.livejournal.com]

That part actually made me bump the book up on my list of "books to acquire when I have the money". Sometimes I prefer reading bad reviews and then read/watch/listen to whatever it was and laugh about the critic's obvious problems.

So... in your face Mr. "I'm cool cause I write for Fangora"!

[the-numinous-1.livejournal.com]

I'm sure it won't be spoiled - I'm reading your books in order, so by the time I get to it, Mr. Philpott will be out of my head. I think my anger was speaking more than logic. I hate reviewers who try to insinuate themselves into the relationship between the reader and the authors word/world. Although, it reveals a certain (almost amusing) creative impotency on his part.

you go!

[faithhopetricks.livejournal.com]

And Mr. Philpott, if you are out there ego-surfing one day and happen across these comments, just remember, though it might be trite of me to say so, an A- from Entertainment Weekly trumps an F+ from a titties and gore mag any old day of the week. In short, please feel free to kiss my sophomoric ass, that is if you can first manage to extract your head from your own.

w00t! And really, that does seem like the only reasonable response.

[docbrite.livejournal.com]

Jesus God. I wonder if this is the same guy who all but accused me and Christa of plagiarizing Farewell My Concubine in "Triads" (the novella version). I mean, surely two stories about Chink faggots couldn't occur independently to two writers, or sets of writers.

For the record, I don't advise responding directly to critics unless they have misstated basic facts. At that point, I still don't advise it unless you are feeling calm enough to be tersely polite ("Given that John Philpott has not read my novel closely enough to understand that a major part of the story takes place in San Francisco -- not 3000 miles away in Alabama, as he states -- it is difficult to take the remainder of his review with the seriousness he no doubt feels it deserves. Very sincerely yours, Caitlin R. Kiernan"). Even that is generally useless unless you're able to provoke your critic into a public tantrum, as I did with my Kirkus guy. However, in our blogs, I think we should feel free to respond in any fashion we wish.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

"Given that John Philpott has not read my novel closely enough to understand that a major part of the story takes place in San Francisco -- not 3000 miles away in Alabama, as he states -- it is difficult to take the remainder of his review with the seriousness he no doubt feels it deserves. Very sincerely yours, Caitlin R. Kiernan"

Yo, Sir! If I can find this twit's e-mail address, may I please be lazy and mail him that as if I'd written it? I mean, it's not as if I could say it any better.

By the way, if I do find his e-mail, I shall surely...um...share with anyone who might be interested.

[docbrite.livejournal.com]

Yo, Sir! If I can find this twit's e-mail address, may I please be lazy and mail him that as if I'd written it?

It's all yours, dawlin'.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

It's all yours, dawlin'.

Thank ye!

[happyspector.livejournal.com]

"By the way, if I do find his e-mail, I shall surely...um...share with anyone who might be interested."

*finds it really hard to make puppy-dog eyes while this sadistic grin that would scare the Joker won't leave my face*

[colombenoire.livejournal.com]

It seems unprofessional (and kind of childish) for a critic to make snippy remarks about what the author includes in her personal note about the novel.

It also seems to me that if one is going to review fantasy and horror, an imagination would come in handy. This guy clearly didn't make the jump (no pun intended) into the underworld of Murder of Angels, which I thought that "tricksy `poetic effect'" was intended to illustrate. He saw B-movie monsters and 2-D characters where there were really archetypal figures -- IMHO, not meant to be in the "real world" -- but I guess that's the best Fangoria can do imaginatively.

I just bought the book and read it last week, and enjoyed it very much. Thank you!

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

It seems unprofessional (and kind of childish) for a critic to make snippy remarks about what the author includes in her personal note about the novel.

It just seemed damned silly to me.

It also seems to me that if one is going to review fantasy and horror, an imagination would come in handy.

One would think.

I just bought the book and read it last week, and enjoyed it very much. Thank you!

You're welcome. Thank you for buying it!

[mellawyrden.livejournal.com]

I'm curious. What exactly does it take for one to be a "literary critic"? I have always believed some critics are merely writers without courage, who never were able to risk what it takes in order to have actual writing careers of their own. I must say this is *not* the case across the board.. I have read some intelligent reviews too.

I notice, for example, that the best interviews with actors or musicians have been done by other real actors and musicians - people who know what is going on, and can really talk shop. Mr. Philpot is afraid to invest himself in the material and really experience it. He is writing about surface impressions and not the stuff of the novel.

If I take this a step further, I would say Mr. Philpot is afraid to look too deeply into himself. Which brings me back round to his probable failed writing career and stupid, bitter review he just wrote on the work of a true artist.

To me, it does frelling matter what the writer was experiencing while the book was written. This is generous of the writer to provide insight into the blood and guts of the book. If he thinks it's superfluous, then.. there again is that lack of understanding of the prima materia and its transformation, with the writer as crucible.

The wordless version of what I've just said would be my bare ass pressed against his office window, of course, for those who prefer brevity.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

The wordless version of what I've just said would be my bare ass pressed against his office window, of course, for those who prefer brevity.

*snork*

Sadly, I doubt this doofus has an office, much less an office window. Still, it's a nice sentiment.

[gallifreyangoth]

Sadly, I doubt this doofus has an office, much less an office window. Still, it's a nice sentiment.

And really, pressing your bare ass against a cubicle just doesn't hold the same romance....

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

And really, pressing your bare ass against a cubicle just doesn't hold the same romance....

Nope. Though standing on a chair and resting it on the rim of the cubicle might produce an interesting effect.

[oneirophrenia.livejournal.com]

Eh. You know what to do with critics like that? LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF AT THEM. And here's why: there are, of course, critics in the world whose opinions you value greatly because, for instance, they can laud your admirable work properly but at the same time point out possible or potential flaws in a *constructive* fashion. That Phlippot idiot is just one of the usual Fangoria gorehounds who gives big marks to shite like Edward Lee's Monstrosity and works that go easy (that is, third-grade level) on the writin' but heavy on the titties and the blood!

Funk dat. Don't let some hack who can't even get the basic facts about _Murder of Angels_ straight get to you because he can't "get" the idea of a slightly non-standard, more creative transition between worlds and/or scenes. As you yourself have noted, "an A- from Entertainment Weekly trumps an F+ from a titties and gore mag," and that's that. Let the dumbasses ride!

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

like Edward Lee's Monstrosity

I suppose this is one of those times when it's better if I say nothing at all.

Funk dat. Don't let some hack who can't even get the basic facts about _Murder of Angels_ straight get to you because he can't "get" the idea of a slightly non-standard, more creative transition between worlds and/or scenes. As you yourself have noted, "an A- from Entertainment Weekly trumps an F+ from a titties and gore mag," and that's that.

I wanted to quote Neil from "The Kindly Ones," where Morpheus says, "It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor."

But, I don't know, I thought it might sound arrogant or something.

Besides, it's from a comic book...

[oneirophrenia.livejournal.com]

Don't get me wrong now, I *do* like some of Ed Lee's stuff--I actually liked _City Infernal_ a GREAT deal with its beautifully lurid depictions of an urbanized hell--but...sometimes folks best work doesn't seem to gather any attention, whereas the stuff that they barely seem to be trying on gets the gravy.

As to quoting a comic book in response to a reviewer who has identified your work as "comic-book like" in some fashion or another...well, I think that would just be perfect! I simply cannot fathom why a reviewer working for a pulp-obsessed rag like Fangoria would, in any way, look down upon a "comic booky" sort of style? Not that you in any way possess this, but I still find it surprising that someone from good ol' Fango would even hint at that...after all the praise they gave to _Hellboy_, _Spider-Man 2_, and the like. That's like a horror fanboy decrying Rob Zombie for being "too influenced by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Unreal!

[setsuled.livejournal.com]

There's much to admire about the way Caitlín R. Kiernan writes, her work belies an artful care.

So he's saying we ought to admire the fact that your work seems like it wasn't made with any artful care?

For all that, this novel is redolent of comic books,

Oh no! Well, I guess there's no need for him to explain why he thinks this or why it's bad. Not to the sophisticated readers of Fangoria.

She might get away with it if she weren't so serious in her author's note.

Oh, yeah, that changes everything.

Do we really need to know what Bob Dylan songs she listened to while typing? Save that stuff for the press release.

Yeah, and what's with the special thanks section? Do people really need a list of names they've probably never heard of? It's killing literature, people!

Murder of Angels centers on rock star Daria Parker who keeps a home in Alabama with a paid guard to watch over her insane friend Niki

The Niki in Alabama, or San Fransisco, as it's sometimes called, may even be more than friends with Daria, but it's well Mr. Phillpot avoids shocking the delicate readers of Fangoria with any overt suggestion of homosexuality.

prevent Niki from sliding into what I'm guessing is the Qliphoth of the Kabbala. (That'd be "hell" to you and me.)

In other words; "Yes, for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about when I randomly brought up Qliphoth, don't worry, I don't know what I'm talking about either."

Often Kiernan's dialogue, like her writing in general, tends towards a sophomoric cleverness.

For example . . . ?

When Niki converses with beings in the other realm, however, the critters sound goofy.

Do they? In what way? Am I asking too much of his obviously better-than-sophmore writing skills?

When a certain character dies and leaves this mortal plane, a series of single sentences and then phrases and finally individual words appear, one to a page, for ten pages. Huh?

Ah, the broad minded critic. Sir would be advised to avoid Harlan Ellison.

She creates characters in extreme emotional states, but it's not as if they change to become that way.

That's bad? Am . . . am I bad for liking it?

We have no idea what these people might be like when thye're not desperate or insane,

Yes, we're never let in on what they'd be like if they were completely different people! What gives?

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

For all that, this novel is redolent of comic books,

Oh no! Well, I guess there's no need for him to explain why he thinks this or why it's bad. Not to the sophisticated readers of Fangoria.

Frankly, I had no idea what the frell he was going on about here.

The Niki in Alabama, or San Fransisco, as it's sometimes called

Maybe he was thinking wormholes...

Mr. Phillpot avoids shocking the delicate readers of Fangoria with any overt suggestion of homosexuality.

That's one I forgot to mention. Never mind referring to Marvin as a "paid guard."

More and more, I suspect Mr. Philpott did not actually bother to read the book. But he's long hated me from afair and saw his opportunity...

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

me from afair

Um...that would be "afar."

Spooky, please make me go to bed, or at least step away from the internet.

[setsuled.livejournal.com]

Spooky, please make me go to bed,

I know the feeling, but in lieu of a Spooky on duty to tear me away, I have Easily Distractedness--forcing my mind from one thing to another until I collapse asleep under the sheer weight of muddled indecision.

[setsuled.livejournal.com]

Maybe he was thinking wormholes...

And now I'm imagining an alternate reality where Scorpius is hunting Niki for her brain (I'm almost done with Murder of Angels, by the way, and so far no suckiness has popped up and in fact I'm finding things very much to the contrary).

[grandmofhelsing.livejournal.com]

You should wear a bad review from Fangoria as a badge of honor. The entire magazine is poorly edited, sophomoric fanwank dressed up in a glossy finish. Like Starlog, it's fun to read when you are 7, which is about the age I stopped reading Starlog, as it happens. Otherwise, it is utterly useless. Even its coverage of mainstream, Hollywood horror films -- the only thing Fangoria really gives the time of day -- is pitiful, especially compared to that of Rue Morgue, which is, right now, almost the only genre-entertainment publication worth reading.

And my god, if I were going to criticize your prose, the last complain I would have is that it is static. Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. Static compared to what? The opening chapter of "The Sound and the Fury"?

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

And my god, if I were going to criticize your prose, the last complain I would have is that it is static. Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. Static compared to what? The opening chapter of "The Sound and the Fury"?

Oh. See, I thought maybe he was being more literal. Like, he poked it with a stick, and it didn't move.

[styggian.livejournal.com]

"Lovecraft-describing-MTV passages piss-elegant"
What does that even mean?
He's damn trendy with his running-together-of-words though..lol

[wishlish.livejournal.com]

They still publish Fangoria? Well, whaddya know. Learn something new everyday. I didn't even know they did reviews; I thought all they did was publish publicity photos about shitty movies.

Let's see...googlegooglegoogle...I was right!

http://www.fangoria.com/

YECH! Does anyone over 12 read this shit?

Now if you want to have some real fun, go to Slashdot and read the Neal Stephenson interview. That was an amazing read.

[styggian.livejournal.com]

I never really read fangoria but I do happen ti like this magazine. (www.ruemorgue.com)
It's where I hear about all of the Japanese horror films I like.

[anetteblue.livejournal.com]

Agree, I had no idea Fangoria was still being published. I don't blame you for being pissed, but really, how many people actually make book purchases based on the opinion of a "critic"? If you enjoy reading you figure out really quickly critics are just frustrated authors paid to have pissy opinions. I buy books based on the opinions of people I know and respect or because I simply stumble upon a new author. And If that author is good I'm a fan for life, reading their entire body of work. Forever. If they start to suck I hand in there hoping they'll get back on track (they usually do).

By the way my great grandfather's name was John Philpot. I never realized that he "has the most unfortunately scatological name ever" until now. Now I'm mortified! (HeeHee wait 'til I tell Mom)