"...are we so devoted to these wretched, selfish motives...."

[greygirlbeast]

Yesterday, the edited ms. for The Red Tree went back to Manhattan. And now, it really is finished. I typed THE END way back on October 24th, but, of course, I knew then that it wasn't truly finished. The manuscript I sent back to my editor yesterday was 100,860 words long (424 pages). The ms. I sent her in November was 95,815 words long. So, there was a net increase of 5,045 words during the editing process. And I do think it is a better novel now, for the past two weeks or so of tweaking, no matter how frustrating and tedious the process might have been.

Mostly, what baffles me is how any sense of accomplishment continues to elude me. I know I've done a good job, and done something few people can do, and that even fewer will ever actually do. But this is my eighth novel (not counting Beowulf, which I don't), and I have yet to feel any genuine sort of achievement. When Silk was done, I thought I would feel it on the day that I finally held the printed book in my hand. That day was May 11, 1998. And on that day, holding the book, which I'd begun in October of 1993, I felt...nothing. And I thought maybe I might feel it with the next novel, but no. And so on. Sometimes, I feel a sense of pride in the material object. I will appreciate that, as was the case with A is for Alien, I have produced a very fine-looking volume. But that's not the same. And, often, I sit and wonder what some favourite author of mine might have felt, in my place. How did it make Angela Carter feel? Or Shirley Jackson? Or John Steinbeck? Was there joy for them? Did they ever know, in that moment, fulfillment? Were they even remotely satisfied? Did they celebrate? I've never yet have the nerve to ask another living author this question.

So. It's done. Sure, there's still the CEM to come, but, as I've said, Spooky's handling that this time. For all intents and purposes, my part in the writing of The Red Tree is done. And I am still waiting to feel much of anything at all, aside from the fact of it being finished, or the fact of having done a good job. I am still waiting on...something else, something far more substantial, even if it's far less concrete.

---

Congratulations to Allyson Bird of Sheffield, South Yorkshire, who had the winning ticket for my contributions to the Shirley Jackson Award lottery.

Please have a look at the current eBay auctions, if you've not already. Thanks.

----

Sometime in the next few days, or next couple of weeks, I will be posting what will likely be my final words on Second Life. They will not be kind words, and I want to choose them with great care.

---

As for today, well, I need to begin a piece for Sirenia Digest #39. I have something in mind, I just hope I can find my way in without too much trouble. Also, I fear this issue may come out a day or two late (March 1 or 2, perhaps). There was all that editing to get done, and February is a short month. Regardless, I do apologize.

Comments

OT

[nykolus.livejournal.com]

for what it's worth... http://www.shocktillyoudrop.com/news/comicsnews.php?id=9675

the act of consummating something...

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

So are you saying you feel not even the slightest bit, even just momentarily, when something is complete? I know for me when the ms. is finshed there's a 'high energy' I ride for a day or two. Then of course, the real work begins. But, you are very successful from my perspective. It rattles me a bit to think there's not an expected feeling of, dare I say, fulfillment? Although, I think what you're saying above is a bit more than just a feeling of satisfaction, yes?

February is always such a tough month. An extra day or two always seems needed this month. No apology necessary. It's always such an awesome and thought-provoking product, that a day or two is worth the wait.

Re: the act of consummating something...

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

So are you saying you feel not even the slightest bit, even just momentarily, when something is complete? I know for me when the ms. is finished there's a 'high energy' I ride for a day or two. Then of course, the real work begins. But, you are very successful from my perspective. It rattles me a bit to think there's not an expected feeling of, dare I say, fulfillment? Although, I think what you're saying above is a bit more than just a feeling of satisfaction, yes?

Yes, quite a but more than mere satisfaction, though I rarely feel that, either. And, again, I suspect this is not something generally true of authors, but some quirk of my case. So, don't fear it, necessarily.

No apology necessary. It's always such an awesome and thought-provoking product, that a day or two is worth the wait.

Thank you.

Re: the act of consummating something...

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

btw, love the icon.

Re: the act of consummating something...

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

btw, love the icon.

Mutual.

Ceci n'est pas une overlong comment.

[jtglover.livejournal.com]

One of the things that stands as a constant theme of your journal is how very busy and constantly stretched thin you are, from your health to the monthly digest to novels and other creative work. I know the life of a full-time artist tends toward constant, unrelenting work, but I can only think that always having to look to the next thing must impact your ability to appreciate your accomplishments. In two or three years of reading this journal, I can't remember having seen you take more than a couple days off from work. These aren't (I hope it's obvious) criticisms, merely observations. I read the journals of many writers, and your creative life is much busier than many others'.

There's a point somewhere in Joyce Carol Oates' published journals where she confesses to feelings of absolute worthlessness on days she doesn't write. This, in various flavors, is something I've heard from almost every driven artist, whatever their medium--the urge rising from somewhere deep inside to keep going, do the next thing.

From another angle, there's all the external pressure -- "thou must blog," "thou must be a publicist," "thou must [X] or New York shall reject thee," etc. I was struck when reading Chuck Palahniuk's novel Diary by, among other things, how the creative process can shape or harm artists of any genre, and about what is sometimes done to artists in order to perpetuate their artistry and artist-hood. (Though there's plenty in that book to disagree with too, up to and including ideas about reincarnation of artists, how True Art is self-evident, etc.) There are so many pressures, internal and external, to keep going, I think it's a wonder that writers/artists/musicians ever do slow down to bask and be satisfied.

Re: Ceci n'est pas une overlong comment.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Nice comment. Thanks.

There's a point somewhere in Joyce Carol Oates' published journals where she confesses to feelings of absolute worthlessness on days she doesn't write.

As I have often written here, my feeling, about myself, comes down to: When a writer is not writing, she is nothing.

One of the things that stands as a constant theme of your journal is how very busy and constantly stretched thin you are, from your health to the monthly digest to novels and other creative work. I know the life of a full-time artist tends toward constant, unrelenting work, but I can only think that always having to look to the next thing must impact your ability to appreciate your accomplishments.

I don't know. This might be a factor. But I was far less busy back when Silk was released (though, I had already been working on The Dreaming for almost two years, at that point...so never mind).

Re: Ceci n'est pas une overlong comment.

[jtglover.livejournal.com]

As I have often written here, my feeling, about myself, comes down to: When a writer is not writing, she is nothing.

Not that this will change your feeling a whit, but I do hope you know how much what you've done (and do) means to so many readers. The protagonists of the stories in A is for Alien, for example, soldier on and find both solace and a will to survive, even under difficult circumstances. This is comforting.

Re: Ceci n'est pas une overlong comment.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

This is comforting.

See, I find it sort of horrifying.

'It is a comfort in wretchedness to have companions in woe'

[jtglover.livejournal.com]

Horrifying that they don't lose the will to live? Or that people find comfort in it? Last night I finished "Zero Summer" and was struck by the characters' persistence. Likewise with "Pearl Diver" -- logical extrapolations of current trends in security and surveillance, and yet Kim persists...

By the by, interesting post (http://www.metafilter.com/79405/Not-real-women-mercifully) on MetaFilter about Real Dolls with a link to an article about a "doctor" who fixes them up. The discussion wanders through most of the variations you'd expect, but the questions of identity and what makes an object more than a thing made for interesting reading when I was in the middle of "Zero Summer." (And "Ode to Katan Amano," which I'd read previously.)

Re: 'It is a comfort in wretchedness to have companions in woe'

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Horrifying that they don't lose the will to live?

I would say that one of the themes here is the horror of the persistence of life.

Fascinating link. Thanks!

[timesygn.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes, I feel a sense of pride in the material object. I will appreciate that, as was the case with A is for Alien, I have produced a very fine-looking volume. But that's not the same. And, often, I sit and wonder what some favourite author of mine might have felt, in my place. How did it make Angela Carter feel? Or Shirley Jackson? Or John Steinbeck? Was there joy for them?"

Unlike them we can enjoy a slash of booze, a joint and a long, slow bout of group sex ...

Literary immortality is fucking overrated.

[timesygn.livejournal.com]

P.S. Congrats, anyway.

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

a long, slow bout of group sex

Oh, these small consolations.

[timesygn.livejournal.com]

"Oh, these small consolations."

Only if you're pursuing them with the wrong people.

:-)

(... doing everything we can to make this a hit north of the border ... GO Caitlin!)

[tinkbell.livejournal.com]

I realize that the absolutely worst thing to say would be something about how the octo-mom might have felt after delivery. Anyway, I have no idea, if she's even real and not some lab creation.

So instead - congratulations!

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Anyway, I have no idea, if she's even real and not some lab creation.

A perversion of Nature, wither way.

[loli-tschai.livejournal.com]

Slightly off-topic...

Any idea how we can see the Lovecraft documentary you participated in? It doesn't appear to be on Netflix. :P

[greygirlbeast.livejournal.com]

Any idea how we can see the Lovecraft documentary you participated in?

I don't think it's gone to DVD yet, still making the film festival circuit. But I'll see what I can find out.

[nuwishas-tail.livejournal.com]

that would be very interesting, in other news, Colossal Squid, i braved, just for -you-

http://nuwishas-tail.livejournal.com/134878.html

The allusion of satisfication

[madrial.livejournal.com]

I spent four years working on my PhD, the day I submitted it I felt relieved but mostly empty that the purpose of my life was over. When I passed my viva I said I would celebrate when my corrections were submitted. When I submited the final hard-bound thesis I told people I would celebrate when I had confirmation of my degree, and after that, that I would celebrate when I graduated. Thankfully right before graduation I found out I had a post-doc and I was able to celebrate the fact I had a job for 3 years.
Now I realise the PhD was an accomplishment, but I will always think the PhD could have been better. The realisation that I am a person unable to feel satisfied with my achievements doesn't make me happy - it just leads me to look for the next challenge. If I was easily satisfied I don't suppose I would be pursuing academia as a career.