Caitlín R. Kiernan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
greygirlbeast) wrote2004-08-14 11:43 am
greygirlbeast) wrote2004-08-14 11:43 am
S is for Saturday
What do you get when you combine four Alien films, two Predator films, a Dark Horse comic, H. P. Lovecraft's "At the Mountains of Madness," Cube, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Lance Henrikson? Wait. Let me rephrase the question. If Mighty Mouse and Superman had a fight, who would win?
Since we didn't go to Birmingham, Spooky and I went to a matinee of Alien Vs. Predator. Going in, my hopes were high, but my expectations were zero. (NOTE: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS AHEAD) So I was pleasantly surprised when this film that probably never should have been made was actually a lot of fun. As Spooky said during the closing credits, "Big, dumb, and gorgeous." That sums it up nicely. Could it have been something more? Could it at least have been as good as the fourth Alien film? I don't know. Maybe. But the very concept always seemed a juvenile, fanboy gimmick to me, one below the standards of the Alien films (though we know this all began with that shot in Predator II when we see the "alien" skull trophy in the hunter's space ship). I figured it would stink and that, at best, it'd offer up some nice eye-candy. But Alien Vs. Predator is a little better than that. Not a lot. Just a little. Just enough better that I didn't feel cheated. In fact, I found the experience quite satisfactory.
Cons: Really, really dumb science. A human cast that is not only expendible, but annoying and superfluous. Terrible acting. A script that I could have written with my ass (for example, the plot turns on the line, uttered like a great revelation, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend."). Thirty minutes of set-up that would have been better spent just getting to the point. Raoul Bova. An unwillingness on the part of the filmmakers to risk losing the summer blockbuster this won't be anyway and take the chances that would have made this a much better, less formulaic film. A final scene that should have been left on the cutting-room floor. The PG-13 rating. Bullet-time. And did I mention Raoul Bova?
Pros: Truthfully, Giger's aliens have never looked this good. The creature effects alone justify matinee price. The aliens have a grace and fluidity they entirely lacked in Alien, wanted to have in Aliens, and almost achieved in Alien 3 and Alien: Ressurection. Lots of fun nods to the earlier films. Some decent suspense. Agathe De La Boulaye ("Adele Rousseau"), who's the best and cutest thing in humans this film has going for it, so naturally she's the first (or maybe the second) to die. A few (too few) exciting scenes where the aliens and predators actually fight. A moderately awesome climax (though a much more awesome climax wouldn't have simply repeated Ripley blowing the queen out of one of the Sulaco's airlocks). Lance Henrikson. Great SFX and art direction.
So, yes, Big, dumb, and gorgeous. Which is more than I thought I'd get. Yes, it could have been a lot better, but that may not be the point here. The very premise of the film is a rather lame marketing gimmick. Whatever this film was to become, it had to fight that gimmick all the way. I'd have done something very different. I'd have kept the whole thing away from Earth and kept humans out of the picture entirely. How about this: The film is set many thousands of years before the first Alien film. A war has been raging between two intergalactic civilizations. For centuries, the two sides have been locked in stalemate. Then one side genetically engineers the ultimate bioweapon: the aliens. The other side, in a desperate bid to save itself as its empire falls before the quickly spreading bioweapon, hires an army of hunters (the predators), though the hunters are greatly feared and generally avoided at all costs. A terrible deal is struck. On the homeworld of the losing civilization, the predators battle and narrowly defeat the alien menace. Meanwhile, however, there's been an accident, and the aliens have turned on their creators. The film ends with an extraterrestrial starship (the one found by the crew of the Nostromo) being overrun by the aliens and crashing on LV4 26.
No one would make an sf film without humans, of course. My Hollywood agent has told me this repeatedly.
It is interesting that in Alien Vs. Predator some of the concepts intended for the original Alien are ressurected. In the first draft of O'Bannon's script for Alien, the eggs were to have been discovered inside an ancient pryramid-like structure on a desolate alien world, not on a derelict starship. Also, despite the films PG-13 rating, I think Alien Vs. Predator realized Giger's overtly sexual penis-within-a-vagina image of the facehuggers better than any of the Alien films have done.
I'm still not sure how I feel about seeing the beginnings of what would become The Company in Alien, et. al. If that was Charles Bishop Weyland (and obviously the inspiration for the Bishop android), then who was the man who comes for Ripley at the end of Alien 3? A droid? A clone of the original Charles Bishop Weyland? Personally, I prefer to keep this film apart from the continuity of the first four Alien films.
The film also sabotages its own tagline, as, clearly, it's better for humans if the predators win this match.
My frelling gods. Shut up, you damned geek. Go do something that needs doing.
Since we didn't go to Birmingham, Spooky and I went to a matinee of Alien Vs. Predator. Going in, my hopes were high, but my expectations were zero. (NOTE: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS AHEAD) So I was pleasantly surprised when this film that probably never should have been made was actually a lot of fun. As Spooky said during the closing credits, "Big, dumb, and gorgeous." That sums it up nicely. Could it have been something more? Could it at least have been as good as the fourth Alien film? I don't know. Maybe. But the very concept always seemed a juvenile, fanboy gimmick to me, one below the standards of the Alien films (though we know this all began with that shot in Predator II when we see the "alien" skull trophy in the hunter's space ship). I figured it would stink and that, at best, it'd offer up some nice eye-candy. But Alien Vs. Predator is a little better than that. Not a lot. Just a little. Just enough better that I didn't feel cheated. In fact, I found the experience quite satisfactory.
Cons: Really, really dumb science. A human cast that is not only expendible, but annoying and superfluous. Terrible acting. A script that I could have written with my ass (for example, the plot turns on the line, uttered like a great revelation, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend."). Thirty minutes of set-up that would have been better spent just getting to the point. Raoul Bova. An unwillingness on the part of the filmmakers to risk losing the summer blockbuster this won't be anyway and take the chances that would have made this a much better, less formulaic film. A final scene that should have been left on the cutting-room floor. The PG-13 rating. Bullet-time. And did I mention Raoul Bova?
Pros: Truthfully, Giger's aliens have never looked this good. The creature effects alone justify matinee price. The aliens have a grace and fluidity they entirely lacked in Alien, wanted to have in Aliens, and almost achieved in Alien 3 and Alien: Ressurection. Lots of fun nods to the earlier films. Some decent suspense. Agathe De La Boulaye ("Adele Rousseau"), who's the best and cutest thing in humans this film has going for it, so naturally she's the first (or maybe the second) to die. A few (too few) exciting scenes where the aliens and predators actually fight. A moderately awesome climax (though a much more awesome climax wouldn't have simply repeated Ripley blowing the queen out of one of the Sulaco's airlocks). Lance Henrikson. Great SFX and art direction.
So, yes, Big, dumb, and gorgeous. Which is more than I thought I'd get. Yes, it could have been a lot better, but that may not be the point here. The very premise of the film is a rather lame marketing gimmick. Whatever this film was to become, it had to fight that gimmick all the way. I'd have done something very different. I'd have kept the whole thing away from Earth and kept humans out of the picture entirely. How about this: The film is set many thousands of years before the first Alien film. A war has been raging between two intergalactic civilizations. For centuries, the two sides have been locked in stalemate. Then one side genetically engineers the ultimate bioweapon: the aliens. The other side, in a desperate bid to save itself as its empire falls before the quickly spreading bioweapon, hires an army of hunters (the predators), though the hunters are greatly feared and generally avoided at all costs. A terrible deal is struck. On the homeworld of the losing civilization, the predators battle and narrowly defeat the alien menace. Meanwhile, however, there's been an accident, and the aliens have turned on their creators. The film ends with an extraterrestrial starship (the one found by the crew of the Nostromo) being overrun by the aliens and crashing on LV4 26.
No one would make an sf film without humans, of course. My Hollywood agent has told me this repeatedly.
It is interesting that in Alien Vs. Predator some of the concepts intended for the original Alien are ressurected. In the first draft of O'Bannon's script for Alien, the eggs were to have been discovered inside an ancient pryramid-like structure on a desolate alien world, not on a derelict starship. Also, despite the films PG-13 rating, I think Alien Vs. Predator realized Giger's overtly sexual penis-within-a-vagina image of the facehuggers better than any of the Alien films have done.
I'm still not sure how I feel about seeing the beginnings of what would become The Company in Alien, et. al. If that was Charles Bishop Weyland (and obviously the inspiration for the Bishop android), then who was the man who comes for Ripley at the end of Alien 3? A droid? A clone of the original Charles Bishop Weyland? Personally, I prefer to keep this film apart from the continuity of the first four Alien films.
The film also sabotages its own tagline, as, clearly, it's better for humans if the predators win this match.
My frelling gods. Shut up, you damned geek. Go do something that needs doing.
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((cries)) _I_ would pay to see this. LOTS more than matinee price, too.
I raise your geek level by 1000
Just checking.
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Then again, we knew this.
It's no more fanboy geekish than, say, Freddy Vs. Jason. And I just found out something cool -- every single Predator in AVP is played by one man. I have the chance to get him for Spookycon this year. Should I?
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That is so lame. I guess CGI is cheaper than costumes and actors.
Should I?
Don't know. I mean, it doesn't interest me. I can't say about other people. I'd wait and see how the movie does at the box office.
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CG is definitely NOT cheaper -- ask Schow to tell you the story of Frank Darabont's fly if he hasn't already.
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I shall do that.
nice ikon!
((sorry, it's automatic -- a catchphrase at our house))
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Considering that her entire power is to drive men so batshit crazy that they kill each other and then kill her (but she keeps coming back from the dead) I'm envisioning an entire Tomie vs. Jason where he keeps killing and she keeps coming back from the dead with that creepy Japanese school girl giggle and he just finally sulks off into the lake. Or they becoem the perfect couple as they keep trying to kill each other but neither one is going to stay dead. So it probably should be Tomie Loves Jason - and it can be a sitcom on Fox.
Or Tomie and that Creepy Girl from Ringu Go Shopping - like a Mary Kate and Ashley movie for the Goth Set.
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See...I thought this whole movie was based off the fanboy game Alien vs. Predator which raises a disturbing question: is there going to be a film tie-in game? Alien vs. Predator? And in ten years or so, a movie based off that?
"I told you. At first, everything was normal. The queen
laid her eggs. But then she started to change. She added a
second cycle, so...so...this time there is no host.
There are no eggs. There is only her womb and the
creature inside. That is Ripley's gift to her, a human
reproductive system. She is giving birth for you, Ripley.
And now she is perfect."
I heard the future of a new Aliens series will be based on how well AvP does in the theatres, so for that sake I wish it luck. Personally I was for just Aliens and Predators in the movie, and doing the whole thing without dialogue. I'm sure that suggestion would have gone over well. I agree with the others that your idea is better, although nothing could possibly top the sublime film-joy that would be Freddy vs. Jason vs. Alien vs. Predator vs. Van Helsing.
You know Van Helsing would kill them all anyways.
~Jacob
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And sure Van Helsing would kill them all but they'd all be sitting around the set laughing at him.
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Alien: REEEEEAAAAARGEORGH RAAAAAAAAR!
Freddy: Ow, that's my eye you fascist! I was just kidding! Argh!
Helsing: Fuckin' A, you monsters..." [fires repeating crossbow at the precise alignment of the stars that renders all monsters stupid, er...vulnerable]
Predator (to Jason): Don't look at me, mate, I just trophy-hunt humans.
Jason: [blinks]
~Jacob
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But it could be mostly silent without dialogue. That would be so cool.
if wishes were financial backers...
A lot is not necessarily enough. Sadly.
Re: if wishes were financial backers...
Re: if wishes were financial backers...
Fincher would be perfect.
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Well, at least there're some things to look forward to. Although you've done an admirable job of keeping my expectations low, so I ought to have a good time. Why can't there be more R movies? Why aren't adults allowed to have fun anymore?
By the way, I watched The Thing last night. You're right, it was pretty good. The creature effects were great and the film maker seemed to have a perfect sense of timing when it came to them popping out. My only complaints; no female characters (which is probably kind of immature of me), the obviously fake exposition machine that showed the alien cell attacking the dog cells, and I think Wilford Brimley went apeshit a little too quickly. But I love the whole atmosphere of distrust thing.
I rented it on DVD so, er, in case you didn't know . . . it's out on DVD. In widescreen with a feature commentary by John Carpenter and Kurt Russell (I haven't listened to it yet).
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Are you kidding? It was the first DVD I bought, back in 2001.
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Ah. Well, so much for me having my finger on the pulse of the DVD industry. No wonder it had so many special features--I mean, not to disparage the film or anything, but it seemed the sort of thing that'd get a fast and careless release on DVD. It must've been released in the days when people thought all DVDs were supposed to have lots of extra goodies . . .
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Are you being sarcastic, garda?
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No, not at all. I've about given up on sarcasm, actually, it almost always backfires on me, or people play dumb and act like it's backfired on me . . . Anyway, which part did you think I was being sarcastic about, nixar? I guess the "so much for me having my finger on the pulse of the DVD industry" sounded oddly snide. Or did you think it was the part where I said people used to always expect goodies on DVDs? Did you think it was silly for me to refer to the interview, commentary, and something-else-I-don't-remember as being a lot of goodies? Jeez, even this reply sounds a little sarcastic. I'm reminded of the Kids in the Hall sketch where the guy had a disorder that made him say everything in a sarcastic tone . . .
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Ah, never mind. I think I was trying to be funny, which rarely goes well.
But I know what you mean. About sarcasm. I think it's because people really are getting stupider. We have a whole generation that learned the (wrong) meaning of irony from Alanis Morrissette (I hope I misspelled her name).
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I thought, "If Mighty Mouse and Superman had a fight, who would win?" was pretty funny. I read your review to a friend of mine, who's interested in the movie, and we both loved, "A script that I could have written with my ass."
About sarcasm. I think it's because people really are getting stupider.
Aw . . . Maybe if people'd just sit down, shut up, and pay attention to a movie once in a while . . . I seriously believe these things are connected. I suppose the simple answer to my thought process here is, "short attention span". It's weird hearing people say they have a short attention span as though it excuses them, though.
We have a whole generation that learned the (wrong) meaning of irony from Alanis Morrissette (I hope I misspelled her name).
Ah, yes. Atlantis Mollreset . . .
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They're Sebaceans!
No, seriously, if this were my project, one of the races would be humanoid, as human as, say, Klingon or Nebari, but not human. And you'd think that would be enough. But it isn't.
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We shall see. I don't know how this one will go at the box office. we went to a Friday afternoon matinee. The theatre was about half-full, I think. And it was on another screen at the same plex.