"Someone turn me 'round. Can I start this again?"

[greygirlbeast]

It's bright out there. Cold, but bright. And there's another storm on the way, as I'm sure at least half the country is aware. The snow should reach us by morning. I'm thinking of all those six-foot heaps made by the snowplows, and wondering how they'll look as seven- and eight-foot heaps. We have to get out of here this evening, before the weather starts deteriorating. I have a 7 p.m. (CaST) doctor's appointment, and we'll need to make it to the market.

---

Something happened yesterday that's never happened before. It's remarkable, I suppose, that it's never happened before, given I've been writing pretty much full-time now for nineteen years. I'm hesitant to even speak of it here. But given how this journal is meant to be an honest record of my experiences as a writer and author, I would feel dishonest leaving it out. Yesterday, first time ever, I found myself crying because of what I was writing. It came on very suddenly, and I had to stop and step away for awhile before finishing the scene. I know I was crying for Imp. There are other reasons, too, which I'm not going to spell out. But, later, I found myself thinking that this has to be the last novel of this sort I write, at least for the foreseeable future. It's too terrible and too personal. I find myself not wanting to let anyone see this one, ever. I felt that way a little with Daughter of Hounds, then even more so with The Red Tree. But it's never been this strong, the urge to lock the book away and not subject it to editors and reviewers and Amazon reader comments and people mouthing off on their blogs. It's just too personal, and I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. No one forces me to write these particular stories, to keep picking at these particular scabs. But, yeah. Last time. And then I'm going off to write YA, and tell wondrous stories, and they'll be dark, sure. They'll be true. But they sure as fuck won't be this. It sounds melodramatic, I know, but the truth is I'm making myself sicker, writing this novel, and it's not worth the toll it's taking.

It's okay if that didn't make much sense. Like Imp's story, it's mostly just for me.

At best, I'm halfway through the novel.

Yesterday, I wrote 2,106 words on Chapter 5, and finally reached the end of the longest chapter I've ever written.

--

Not much else to say about yesterday. We watched the new episode of Fringe, which, of course, was very good. Then we watched the first two episodes of Season Two of Spartacus. Gods, I'd forgotten how much I love this show. Sheer and utter fucking debauchery and depravity, unabashed, unapologetic. All fucking id, top to bottom. It's nowhere near as well written as was Deadwood, but I think it has much the same appeal for me. Later, we played a little WoW. I think I got to bed about 3:45 a.m. (CaST).

Gonna go now. Comments would be especially welcome today.

Comments

*hug*

[myownpetard.livejournal.com]

*another hug*

[mizliz13.livejournal.com]

"It's okay if that didn't make much sense."

Makes sense to me. I'll always support your work, whichever direction you decide to go.

And all hail Spartacus! Hell, yes.

[scarletboi.livejournal.com]

I do hope you find the YA books to be greener pastures. You deserve more safety and comfort than I think you tend to allow yourself. *hugs*

[kurtmulgrew.livejournal.com]

Tears are powerful little creatures.
You don't think people will understand but you keep writing because you hope some will? We understand at least.
Everyday I read what you say about how the story is progressing, I get more anxious to read it! Can't wait!

[from-ashes.livejournal.com]

I, for one, appreciate the honesty that you pour into your books. It shows a love for what you do and a trust of your readers that many writers would not dare to show. So thank you!

[wolven.livejournal.com]

I think that it's true that the more open and amazing stories are often found in YA literature. They're more likely to seek to engender a sense of wonder and amazement, all around, while not insulting or even presupposing a certain amount of intelligence from the reader.

I think of Neil Gaiman and Michael Reaves' InterWorld, which contains complex ideas about identity, the many-worlds theory of quantum mechanics, magic, and science. There are few "adult" books which would dare/be allowed to explore that kind of weird set of conjunctions.

I think you'll be able to some good work in YA.

[mellawyrden.livejournal.com]

I will treasure it.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I've had a feeling sort of like that, about a character and a story born out of an RPG I played for some time. It broke my heart. I saved the file and haven't touched it in years. It's hard.

I freaking love Spartacus. It's ridiculous and glorious and bloody and wonderful.

[sovay]

And then I'm going off to write YA, and tell wondrous stories, and they'll be dark, sure. They'll be true. But they sure as fuck won't be this.

I don't know if it matters to say that I'll read it: I'm not who it's being written for. But I imagine it will be wondrous, too. And then I will read your YA with great delight.

I really need to see Spartacus. The first season sounded so over-the-top, I felt I had a moral obligation to.

[ghostrunner7.livejournal.com]

I'm expecting your YA books to be easier. Easier on all of us, really, you and your readers. I know they'll still be your books with all the accompanying truth and pain, but I think they'll be easier.

I hope that's true. I think you deserve some 'easy'.

[blackestdarkness]

I'm an adult who enjoys reading YA stories as well as adult ones, so count me among your readers that will continue to read your books no matter the category. I'm really looking forward to reading Imp's story.

[miakodadreams.livejournal.com]

It sounds melodramatic, I know, but the truth is I'm making myself sicker, writing this novel, and it's not worth the toll it's taking.

Making yourself ill is indeed a high price to pay to tell a story, and I don't mean that dismissively. It sounds like these last few books have been a path of catharsis for you, though. If Daughter of Hounds and Red Tree have been building up to The Drowning Girl, maybe exposing these truths has become a necessary thing at this point — dragging the past into light and air so you can take one more step toward letting those scabs heal.

I hope that's the case. I hope this book accomplishes what it needs to do, and I know I'm not alone. We (your readers) are not all your personal friends (and that's a necessary thing, too). The ones who come here, though, who pre-order your books, and support you in other ways as they can, strangers and friends alike, they do worry about your health and happiness. Even on comment-quiet days.

And we will probably be the ones crying for Imp and for you when we read that scene, too.

[timesygn.livejournal.com]

I found myself crying because of what I was writing ... this has to be the last novel of this sort I write, at least for the foreseeable future. It's too terrible and too personal.

I think this is why The Drowning Girl is precisely the sort of novel you should be writing. Not because I relish the thought of you in pain, but because I know you're writing something great. Hang in there.

[lois2037.livejournal.com]

But it's never been this strong, the urge to lock the book away and not subject it to editors and reviewers and Amazon reader comments and people mouthing off on their blogs. It's just too personal, and I suppose I have no one to blame but myself.

That's precisely what scared me away from wanting to be a writer many years ago. There was too much "me" in there and I couldn't do it. It was too close to where I really was. I'm braver now and may try again. I will also pay no attention to all that bad advice I got from teachers. It occurs to me that "write what you know" can have many levels of meaning and doesn't have to be "write who you are," without reservation.

I love YA books! I will certainly read yours.

[seph-ski.livejournal.com]

You put so much of yourself into your writing that it has a very sacred feel to it, and I feel privileged to read your stories. I don't know what else to say except, thank you. In all sincerity, thank you.

[v1ewfr0mbugtown.livejournal.com]

Am looking forward to Imp's tale. That it can make you cry is a testament to the power of your writing ability. I've been reading your words since you worked in comics, so a switch over to YA in the future will not remove me from your fan base.

I too have been reading a good bit of YA fiction the last few years and have to admit I don't really understand the designation. I mean, when I was really a YA myself, I was reading standard sci-fi, fiction and horror...there was no distinction between what an adult read and what a teen read. And what is this current passion for "genre" anyway? Why does reading material need to be divided and then subdivided into smaller and more specific increments? Why do so many people (readers or writers) feel the need to be placed in boxes and not step outside? (Dark Gods forbid!)

Anyway...where you write, I will read.

[whiskeychick.livejournal.com]

I think that when writing is that personal and deep it is the most powerful and the most important to share.

Thank you for doing what you do. Purge it. Get it out. Then finish the healing and move on.

Keep safe in the upcoming storm.

[kathryn-aka-kat.livejournal.com]

It's a tough call sometimes for when cleaning out a wound becomes making it worse. Tears can burn as strongly as acid. Let friends hold you and wipe them away.

As for the YA fiction, I'll read whatever you want to write, in whatever genre, unless of course you crack completely and start writing high-fructose-corn-syrup-sweetened pablum geared only towards positive Amazon reviews.

Batten down the hatches, stay cozy and warm during the next storm and whatever ones follow.

(edited for typo, feh)

[gargirl.livejournal.com]

More snow on the way for us in MA too. There is so much snow everywhere, piled up in heaps all over the place. It reminds me of winter when I was a kid; makes me wonder where they are going to put it all.

I am looking forward to seeing what you will write for a young adult audience. Even though I am not young anymore, I still read a fair bit of it, but even if I didn't read YA fiction, I have to admit, I am too much a fan-girl to be got rid of that easily. ;)

[sillylilly-bird.livejournal.com]

I can only second/third/fourth what others have said: what you write, I will read.
I've always read "YA" along with all sorts of other books that my eclectic taste gathers to me. There is good writing and there is bad writing. Period.

[spinningstar.livejournal.com]

And then I'm going off to write YA, and tell wondrous stories, and they'll be dark, sure. They'll be true.

And that's why, as a reader who loves your work, I'll follow your stories regardless of genre or niche.

[spank-an-elf.livejournal.com]

Your past tales have contained intensely tear-provoking scenes so if you haven’t cried yet, then wow, we’re all going to be paralyzed by tears. Note to self: don't read this book in a public place.

[captaincurt81.livejournal.com]

It takes courage to write an honest, truthful tale. Your work has always seemed to possess this quality. You carve your art from your own flesh, offering it to any who would partake of it. This is beyond brave.
It also takes courage to forge a new path for yourself. The YA market is your new chosen path. I'm sure you will find new stories to tell and some new ways to tell them. You're work is uniquely you and I celebrate that fact whenever I read it.

[lessmess.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to say that I can't wait to read what you are writing. It sounds painful and difficult and like it's hell to get through, but it also sounds true (in the biggest sense of that word), which is exactly what people need to read.

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

Yesterday, first time ever, I found myself crying because of what I was writing. It came on very suddenly, and I had to stop and step away for awhile before finishing the scene.

Did you know that that happened to William Goldman? He was writing The Princess Bride, the part where Inigo and Fezzik are racing through the Zoo of Death to rescue Wesley from the Machine, and even Goldman wasn't sure if they'd reach him in time...then he realized they wouldn't. Then he wrote "Wesley lay dead by the Machine." Then he broke down crying, had to get away from his desk and just cry.

There are a lot of reasons that book's really good. Some of the reasons are probably embedded in that moment.

I do hope that YA speaks to you, and works for you. I've long wondered what sort of work you would do in that field, especially after Neil got into it. It's a good thing, what you're doing.