greygirlbeast: (new newest chi)
CaitlĂ­n R. Kiernan ([personal profile] greygirlbeast) wrote2011-01-11 01:31 pm

The Pink Zone

1) I slept eight hours, and I'm still not exactly what passes for awake.

2) We've laid in supplies. The snow is coming. It should arrive around midnight tonight. Heavy, heavy snow. If I were still in Birmingham or Atlanta, this sort of snow would spell the beginning of a week or two of havoc. Here, we may be unable to leave the house for one day, maybe. By "leave the house," I only mean get the car out of the driveway.

3) Yesterday, I wrote 1,142 words on Chapter 4 of The Drowning Girl: A Memoir. I'm starting to suspect I'll finish the chapter on Thursday. I'm on manuscript page 162. But, even as I begin this seemingly marvelous progress, the insecurity mounts. The fear that I'm not even half smart enough to write this book, and that there's no audience who wants to read a novel of this sort. I have begun heavily second guessing the reader.

Fuck the so-called wisdom of writing workshops, of instructors, and fuck all that shit about reader/writer contracts. This sort of anxiety is poisonous to good fiction. One does not write for an audience, unless one only wishes to pander. One writes. The worth of a novel is not determined by the opinions of those who read it, collected and averaged to yield an objective rating that may be expressed in stars given and stars withehld. It's all a lonely mess. The book's "worth" lies in the mind of the author, and in the mind of each reader. Each is alone with the book, and everyone who reads it is subject to their own unique experience. Nothing is generally true. That said, I sit and try to just let Imp speak and tell her story, but I begin to hear the complaints to come. The shitty Amazon and blog "reviews" it may receive in 2012. These things shouldn't occur to me, and certainly they shouldn't give me a moment's pause, but they do. "It takes forever before anything actually happens." "It's slow." "It rambles." And so on and on and on and so forth.

4) Yesterday, after the writing, we had to go to our storage unit in Pawtucket. Outside, the world was bitter cold, scabby, too sharp around the edges. Anyway, we needed to drop off those files I mentioned having boxed up back on the 7th. That was the easy part. I also needed to find the missing files for The Dry Salvages, which I'm revising a bit before it's reprinted in Two Worlds and In Between. The files weren't in my cabinet, or anywhere in my office, or in the house. So, it stood to reason, we'd find them in the storage unit, where most of my old manuscripts and notes are kept. Nope. They may be there, but we didn't find them. Which is going to make revising The Dry Salvages much more difficult. I'll say more on this later.

It was depressing, seeing all my paleo' stuff, my Lane cabinet and all the rest. Things that have been in storage since August 2001, when I only thought I was briefly putting my paleo' work on hold.

5) Few things are so capable of filling me with despair as the paperback rack at the market. Who actually reads this crap? I mean, clearly lots and lots and lots of people do, because every one of those books has some bestselling pedigree slapped across its foil embossed cover. These are the forgettable books that everyone reads. Maybe not me, or you, or you, but everyone else. They all seem to amount to little but a combination of fourth-grade reading-level prose and woozy melodrama with bland, idealized characters. They are not meant to be good books. They are meant to be easy reads. Good reads (a phrase I loathe, a dismissive, backhanded slap of a compliment). They are meant to be consumed and then disposed of, like all the best products of this society. I know the money would be heavenly, but I don't think I could sleep at night. Okay, touché. I already have trouble sleeping.

6) I'm starting to think I'm sitting in a great empty room, talking to myself, listening to my hollow voice echoing off the silver walls.

7) Last night we watched Michael Winterbottom's excellent The Killer Inside Me (2010; based on Jim Thompson's 1952 novel). A few lapses in logic aside, I liked it quite a lot (and the lapses are only problematic if we assume the characters are especially bright people, and mostly they don't appear to be). Western noir set in the 1950s. It felt a lot like what you might get if the Coen Bros. and David Lynch made a film together. As usual, Winterbottom doesn't pull his punches, and so the brutality and loss rings true. Casey Affleck delivers a chilling performance as a small-town sociopath who also happens to be a deputy sheriff. Highly recommended.

8) I ordered my new iPod Classic yesterday. My thanks to Steven Lubold, who made it possible for me to get a new iPod. I've been trying to decide what I'll name it. My first iPod (the one from 2005 that recently died) was Moya. This one may be Inara. I always name my computers. Anyway, right now I see it's in Shanghai, because, you know, that makes sense. My iPod and the ramen I had for breakfast have traveled more than I ever will.

9) Last night, Shaharrazad reached Level 83.

And that's more than enough for now.

[identity profile] xjenavivex.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:12 pm (UTC)(link)
I track your posts. I get notified in email when you update. I just don't want to miss what you have to say. I often fail to comment. I second guess what I might say and how it would come across. It is silly, but I don't want to seem like some fangirl with you. I am. However, for me the connection to your work goes so much deeper than that. I look forward to the publication of The Drowning Girl: A Memoir. I want to read what Imp has to say. I don't care how long it takes her to say it. I am just one reader. The story is the most important thing. And you are in there with your searchlight finding your way through to the end. I know it is a lonely journey and it is hard. I can say don't second guess yourself; you are one of the greats. I doubt that would do any good at all. No matter the level you are at as an artist or writer, it is just the creator and the work. The challenge is to do the best you can with the ability you have.The relationship is intimate, closed to everyone else.

One thing though, whatever impatient critics you face with this one - they don't know how to savor the best things in life.

My two cents.

[identity profile] xjenavivex.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:13 pm (UTC)(link)
oh and I am sorry you didn't find your files.

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:15 pm (UTC)(link)

It is silly, but I don't want to seem like some fangirl with you.

This seems to be one of the reasons more people do not post.

The relationship is intimate, closed to everyone else.

Too few understand this.

[identity profile] merlin513.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:19 pm (UTC)(link)
My family refers to those as 'popcorn books' fast, easy and not-filling.

[identity profile] tsarina.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:19 pm (UTC)(link)
5.) I like to think of them less as books and more like bags of Cheetos.

7.) This was one of my favorite movies I saw during 2010, and it pleases me that you enjoyed it as well. I recognize that man, his terrible face and those washed out colors. It's rather frightening to see such an accurate portrayal of the evil you know. It made me sort of glad too that I didn't end up buying one of those beautiful old houses in the small towns scattered around Texas. With my luck, I'd end up with some bad ghosts.

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:20 pm (UTC)(link)

My family refers to those as 'popcorn books' fast, easy and not-filling.

They're as substantial as cotton candy, and as likely to rot your mind as cotton candy is to rot your teeth.

[identity profile] jdack.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Who actually reads this crap?

As you said.

Type of folks who'd vote Transformer's 2 as Movie of the Year.

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:22 pm (UTC)(link)

5.) I like to think of them less as books and more like bags of Cheetos.

Mostly air and MSG.

I recognize that man, his terrible face and those washed out colors. It's rather frightening to see such an accurate portrayal of the evil you know.

Yep.

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:23 pm (UTC)(link)

Type of folks who'd vote Transformer's 2 as Movie of the Year.

Ouch.

Though, I'm not sure such readers could appreciate the finesse of a Transformers movie...

[identity profile] ulffriend.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:28 pm (UTC)(link)
There are few authors whose names will guarantee that I purchase a book, and yours is one of them. I've found everything that you've written to be interesting and thought-provoking, and that is valuable and precious to me. Diversion is easy to find. Finding something that is actually worth the time taken to read it is much harder, and I (not being a writer) do not have the skill with words to tell you how much that means to me. Whatever else is happening, you are definitely not shouting into a void.

As far as the "nothing much happened" complaint, I'm reminded of Neil Gaiman's "The Problem with Susan." Nothing much happens in that story, does it? An old woman is interviewed and reminisces - in terms of "action" that's about it, really. But what an amazing story it is!!! So as far as I can tell, people who are worried only about what "happened" aren't putting in the work needed to get everything from the story.

[identity profile] stillsostrange.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:28 pm (UTC)(link)
The only contract with the reader I care about is the one that says I will give a damn about my writing and put effort into it. I worry, though, that the books I find insultingly bland and formulaic or just poorly written were also labors of love and effort for their writers.

I'm sure I could write a book about a love triangle involving a vampire and a werewolf if I really tried, but since my favorite werewolf has always been the man with the dull, grey voice from Prince Caspian, I doubt I'd have a run away best seller on my hands.

[identity profile] stillsostrange.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:31 pm (UTC)(link)
And often complete with MSG stomach ache and that nasty fake-butter aftertaste.

[identity profile] stotangirl.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:36 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm going to read The Drowning Girl: A Memoir--partly because I like your work and partly because, like The Red Tree, it sounds really ambitious and intriguing when you write about it. ("Ambitious" makes it sound like I expect some sprawling epic fantasy thing, which I don't--but it sounds like an odd, challenging book to write, and that's what I mean, here.) I do like books that make my brain work, though I'm probably in the minority there.

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Whatever else is happening, you are definitely not shouting into a void.

This might be more comforting were I not fairly certain all humanity is shouting into a void. The Void.

As far as the "nothing much happened" complaint, I'm reminded of Neil Gaiman's "The Problem with Susan." Nothing much happens in that story, does it? An old woman is interviewed and reminisces - in terms of "action" that's about it, really. But what an amazing story it is!!! So as far as I can tell, people who are worried only about what "happened" aren't putting in the work needed to get everything from the story.

Nice paragraph. Sonya has called this novel, so far, an "anti-narrative." I liked that. My publisher won't.
Edited 2011-01-11 18:38 (UTC)

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:40 pm (UTC)(link)

The only contract with the reader I care about is the one that says I will give a damn about my writing and put effort into it.

Well said. That's a fair contract, if we must have such things.

Very nice icon, by the way.

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:41 pm (UTC)(link)

("Ambitious" makes it sound like I expect some sprawling epic fantasy thing, which I don't--but it sounds like an odd, challenging book to write, and that's what I mean, here.)

Well, I'd cop to it being ambitious, but it doesn't sprawl (though it does meander). It's all thoughts trapped in the mind of a mad woman.

[identity profile] seph-ski.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 06:54 pm (UTC)(link)
As a member of your audience for the past decade, I wish to thank you for never pandering to me. I don't want people in my head, picking through my likes and dislikes and constructing worlds from what scraps I already know. The drugs I come to you for are far more exotic and I look forward to the challenges they present me. I honestly believe your work will stand the test of time in libraries, personal collections, and literature classes, while the formula fiction writers can only jockey to hold a place on that market display for as long as they can remain king of the hill. As another great writer once penned, "To thine own self be true." I guess what he forgot was the bit of quotable advice on how to stick with it when you're feeling the sting of watching all the cheap sellouts reap the rewards in the moment. I haven't figured that part out yet.

I once had a friend present me with a Harlequin Romance as part of a gift. I was -sure- he was just poking fun at me, so it never occurred to me that he'd be hurt when I laughed and carried it by two fingers to the trash can, but that did hurt his feelings and I had to apologize. Your mention of the paperback rack at the market brought this memory up for some reason, and it only just now occurred to me that he -might- have intended that gift suggestively as a sort of foreplay. That was a very strange relationship and I never for even one second knew what we were to each other in all our years together. Oh well. If he had been paying sufficient attention, he would've known that my affections and my libido require far more intellectual stimuli.

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 07:08 pm (UTC)(link)

how to stick with it when you're feeling the sting of watching all the cheap sellouts reap the rewards in the moment.

That's such a big part of it, watching the crap writers making far better livings off their work than I do. I have severe doubts about the relative worth of my own fiction, but even I know I'm leagues better than that drivel.

my libido require far more intellectual stimuli.

My libido needs the intellectual equivalent of trigonometry, which can be no end of vexing.

Cruising around me, the flames burn my body...

[identity profile] cdennismoore.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 07:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Dammit, every time you do that I have that album in my head all night.

We prick you we prick you we prick you.

Finding what we like to read

[identity profile] negothick.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 07:23 pm (UTC)(link)
I've fantasized for years about being able to find small press horror or fantasy in airport bookstores; about as likely as being able to find a deliciously fresh vegetarian meal in the airport's restaurant, not to say aboard the airplane.

But who knows what the future will bring: When I was growing up, you couldn't find most fruits or vegetables (or yogurt) in the grocery stores we shopped in. Our generation's biggest contribution to the world: easy access to a greater variety of food, both healthy and unhealthy.

[identity profile] acwise.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 07:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Not every book (or story) will suit every reader, nor should it try to. I'd personally much rather read a work that the author was passionate about writing, written in a way they feel best serves the story, rather than something tailored to fit a perceived taste. It's not quite the same, but I often feel that many movies miss their ideal audience because they are marketed based on some nebulous idea of 'this is what audiences like', rather than 'this is the story' and we'll let audiences decide for themselves.

All tangents aside, I am very much looking forward to 'Drowning Girl'.

Re: Cruising around me, the flames burn my body...

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 07:44 pm (UTC)(link)

Dammit, every time you do that I have that album in my head all night.

It's so important to me, it always in the back of my mind, like Radiohead's Hail to the Thief.

Re: Finding what we like to read

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 07:47 pm (UTC)(link)

When I was growing up, you couldn't find most fruits or vegetables (or yogurt) in the grocery stores we shopped in.

I was an adult before I saw fresh asparagus or artichokes.

Our generation's biggest contribution to the world: easy access to a greater variety of food, both healthy and unhealthy.

Which is cool, unless it means it has to be shipped in from Peru or Australia or someplace equally far away (unless, of course, you live in Peru, Australia, or someplace equally far away from wherever you are).

[identity profile] greygirlbeast.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 07:49 pm (UTC)(link)

It's not quite the same, but I often feel that many movies miss their ideal audience because they are marketed based on some nebulous idea of 'this is what audiences like', rather than 'this is the story' and we'll let audiences decide for themselves.

Many films have been mangled and destroyed by the wickedness of "test audiences."

[identity profile] pwtucker.livejournal.com 2011-01-11 08:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Was it Stephen King that said one shouldn't write for all readers, but for an 'ideal reader', whatever that may mean to each individual? For him it was his wife; while he wrote he would envision her reaction, what she might find humorous, what she mind find boring and skip.

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